- Janet Jackson (Control, 1986)
Cutting the Strings
Utilitarian Approach to People
After having a conversation with my friends and doing some internal soul searching I've come to a cross roads in how I look at people and how to handle them. The natural side of me looks at people as fellow children of God. Meaning, that I try to always be respectful to the wants and needs of others and I try to be empathetic to whatever is going on. I am naturally generous and giving and at times it seems like there is a lack of boundaries. I have the tendency to have a humanitarian nature about me which I cannot help. But then I have a pragmatic side to me that knows that my lack of borders causes many to exploit me in various ways. Most of my issues with exploitation stem from this lack of borders I have set and for the most part people have taken my kindness for weakness. I tend to live on the natural side of myself believing that people aren't inherently screwed up.
So when I posed a question to my friends about whether or not I needed to tighten up or be "not as nice", they pretty much stated that there are several pressing issues that I have.
- The first thing was that the lack of boundaries I have causes people to not take me seriously and places me in predicaments for others to engage in exploitive behavior
- The lack of boundaries leaves me susceptible to take these actions personally
- Living idealistically and naïvely leaves me with a thin skin and in consistent disconnect with the world that I live in.
- Being "mean" is going to mask the issue and not cause it to improve. It's a difference between laying down boundaries and "being bitchy".
- That living this way and complaining about it is indicative of self victimization
- And that I must "rescue myself from my issues" caused by this.
Now some of you might be reading this and wondering why in the hell my friends would explain it this way. Rest assured that this is not as bad as it reads and it actually is quite informative even though it is blunt.
When I heard what they had to say about this I thought to myself the number of times that day the number of times within it that about how I was exploited to benefit of myself but for the benefit of others. It dawned on me that my lack of assertion using the word "No." left me at the mercy of my humanitarian nature. More revealing was that people do not care about humanitarianism, but they care for themselves. (Now I could explain why that is using sociology, but I'm not going to go that deep into that here, let's just say it's inherent in individualistic culture). For the first time I realized that we live our lives driven by selfishness rather than being selfless.
And then it dawned on me driving back to my apartment that at only 50% of my relationships that I have with people, be it friends or associates were based on a utilitarian framework. The other half of these people were around and leeching away at whatever limited resources I had. From the outside, those who see no need to speak to me, won't. Looking back, I took it personally and looked at it as them being "anti-social" or "acutely sociopathic". But I don't believe that anymore... I get it.
Most of these people who act like this I've noticed have managed to accomplish much more professionally and personally because of this type of interaction. The utilitarian approach to people from my observation seems to be more gratifying. Why? Because you cut out the filler and fluff. At that point, if the question "what do you have to offer me or what can you do for me?" cannot be adequately answered, then the relationship goes nowhere. It's beneficial for both parties because no more time is wasted and each can go their own way doing whatever they need to do. For the person who has asked that question, it has spared them filler and also makes it known that they are meant to be taken seriously.
Now looking at this and the six points my friends have provided me, it ticks off most of the boxes they are talking about. You create a border where people know what to expect out of the relationship and know what to get out of you and conversely what you should get out of them. It safeguards against feelings of personal angst because at that point you cease to care about some of the fallacies caused by appeals to pity and emotion that others typically spin together to present you with. It takes a pragmatic approach that is in line with how most of the world operates and allows you to function more effective and get what you want. It isn't being mean, but more-so just putting your foot down and illustrating that you are "no-nonsense". It leaves no room for self-victimization to occur because exploitation effectively ends. And lastly it leaves you able to rescue yourself from your own naïvety and the conditions of the world around you.
All in all, when I look at this I feel that is only necessary to employ this in my own life. The benefits seemingly are stark in comparison to the downsides. Even though it will take a while to break out of the idealistic humanitarian mindset into a more realistic and pragmatic one with the use utilitarian thinking, it will be well worth it as I move into a world where everyone is looking out for interests of themselves rather than the collective well-being of others.
ifw2015
