The Paradox of Worth

"Your worth consists in what you are and not in what you have. "

-Thomas Edison

The Paradox of Worth

Perception and Declaring Independence from It

Worth: the word in which most things importance in the world is based off of. And yet, while it a word that carried a heavy connotation, it also carries a high degree of bias. To one person, what is worth a lot may mean nothing to someone else.  But when we take a step back and look at things in their relative contexts, we never see things as the same. When it comes to looking at human life itself, it is a downfall that we as a species have when we look at ourselves as a commodity rather than a member of the same genetic pool.

We look at others and base our social interactions around them based on their perceived worth that they are expected to have in their lives. As long as they are seen as useful, they will be kept around for their intended purpose. Whether if it is to entertain us; support us; provide for us; or even love us - we keep them around. But what happens when their worth runs it's course? We as humans tend to discard of the person like an old outfit or old food and leave them to either decay or move along to the next person to take advantage of them. Speaking from personal experience, there have been many times where others have failed to see me as worth an investment. Once my worth in their mind has ran it's course, they do one of two things. The first is that they find a way to take all of the remaining percieved worth that I have and toss me away to my own devices. The second thing is that they replace me with someone else who is seen as worth the investment.

This pattern goes on everywhere, but it seems that one thing that is really interesting is that we often fail to take notice in who really has worth. Now while I love Kim Kardashian (she's fabulous and so is her family), we glorify a lack of technical skills and the ability to visually entice others. Aside from that, financial wealth and the idea of "what can you do for me?" also is what everyone in society seems to value. On the flip side, it seems at times that the days were having intellect, a skill, being philosophically sound, and having a giving and caring personality have disappeared. Now people who have these traits typically are seen as easy to exploit and take advantage of. Why?, because they hold traits that others find to be a sign of weakness. In the western context, most people are individualistic and are subject to a organic solidarity that keeps looking out for themselves. 

So then what happens to the people who have been exploited?

Those who have been exploited typically find themselves in repeating cycles of use (they have worth at that point), exploitation (the other person sees their worth is limited), and abandonment (their perceived worth is exhausted). They tend to be in cycles where their self-esteem and self-efficacy can be left in tatters or damaged and in the most extreme cases either be left with a depressive sense of hopelessness and feeling like they aren't worth anything. Commonly, when those who are exploited ask "is it me or them?", they pick themselves. 

Now my message to those who are subject to this and feel that they have limited worth:

• Your worth is not dependent upon someone else.

Would you ever let someone put a price tag on you? If the answer is no and the question sounds silly this is what happens when you let your worth be dependent on those around you. One of the beautiful things about living in an individualistic society is that you can chart your own course. So you have to sometimes be independent of the person to demonstrate to them that even without them you can do for yourself and that you have the fortitude to make things happen on your own with your personality and skills. 

• It is a flaw in the system of society, not you.

If you've ever asked: "Is it me or them?", just know that it isn't you firstly. The second thing is realize that the other person in the situation aside from yourself is more than likely has the mindset of someone from a objectifying utilitarian society (hence, they are a product of their environment). And lastly, society has an inherent flaw within it that does not view humans as humans but as something else (whether it be a source of income, a worker population, human capital... etc.). Do not self blame, instead use your human born right of creating your own identity and worth on your own terms and self-determine who you are.

• Worth regarding people cannot be accurately measured.

If someone is reading this and they think that dollars and cents, or the house they own, or the car they drive is an indicator of what your worth is, you're sorely mistaken. If you die, you can't take it with you and it is a material possession. The type of worth that a human has on it's own is immeasurable and in every instance in human history where they have tried to place a price on it (New World Slavery for example),  they have failed to enumerate. Just know that because your worth cannot be measured by a standardized system, you have to decide for yourself and if you think that you are worth a million dollars it is your responsibility to feel that way and be that way and love yourself that way.

• Liberate yourself to find your worth to yourself

You have to free yourself from the other person. As said in the first point, you have to find time to separate yourself from the other person in order to determine your worth because if you let others do it for you they are going to sell you short every time. When you liberate yourself, you can decide by yourself what you think you are to the world and what your contributions are. Not only will you be able to operate freely, but the clouded notion of your worth will clear up quickly when you don't have someone polluting your mind re-iterating that "in order to be worth something to me, you have to have something to offer" or "in order to be around me, you have to prove to me what you are worth my time".  Do you and enjoy your life on your own terms and bring people around you who are co-constructive (meaning you build each other up and are not caught on labels". Once you've done this, you're well on your way to escaping the Paradox of Worth.

ifw2015

To Be Black, To Be a Man, To Be Gay - Part 4

Logic will never change emotion or perception.

-Edward De Bono

To Be Black, To Be a Man, To Be Gay - Part 4

The Perceptions: Standards and Its Effects

            When it comes to Black men who are gay, the societal standard is a bit more stringent. Adherence to a certain way of speaking, walking, and mannerisms secures the perception of masculinity. As a result, the adherence makes you a comfortable medium for everyone.

This set of expectations has played out to change the playing field of sexual and companionate relationships of Black people in general as it has not only affected men but women too.  Black women are affected by the expectations that society has set out for Black gay men because they now feel that masculine gay men seek to deceive and see gay men in general as a reason for the proliferation of HIV/AIDs in the Black community and dissolution of family structure. However, with effeminate black men they see them as the sources of culture where they derive fashion and slang. Additionally, older generations of Black women see black gay men as compounding failure of fathering and feminization of the family nucleus occurring since the 1970s.  Now  a good number of Black women sometimes make the statement that they want a main who is “not in jail, educated, god-fearing and straight “in their list of preferences for a mate.

The standard of men being the cornerstone of the families and strong has also lead to hypermasculination. Present in hip-hop culture, a men’s prowess is linked directly to sexuality and the ability to abide by to the standards of masculinity. In contrast to the Eurocentric models, African American standards of masculinity are much more tightly constrained, leading men to be on the “downlow” or sexually engaging women while discreetly having sexual interaction with men. Men on the “downlow”want to retain their ability to be seen as men and behave to please themselves privately while adhering to societal standards publicly.

This adherence to the rigid masculinity standard has caused there to be an attitude with many black men that lead them to feel that to be effeminate is akin to losing your manhood. For homosexual black men who are feminine presenting, they commonly face public alienation from their  masculine presenting counterparts. Sexually speaking, the need to remain discreet and/or the attraction to masculine partners leaves many feminine presenting males competing to find their place in causal sexual encounters or within companionate relationships that are productive.

Conclusion:

            In the end, the standards of society has played a huge role as to how Black gay men are able to self-determine individually and find their place in the world. While the division of masculine and feminine has driven a wedge in to dating practices of gay men and contributed to affect women in the African American community. While standards are changing across the world in every culture regarding masculinity to be open and accepting to variances, Black culture has been slower to change due to underlying cultural signposts rooted in a historical context.

To Be Black, To Be a Man, To Be Gay - Part 3

"If every femme gay black guy were trade,

 then we would be three things:

 highly discreet, 

highly compliant,

and outside our truths." 

- Anonymous

To Be Black, To Be a Man, To Be Gay - Part 2

The Misunderstood: Feminine Presentation

            Feminine presentation by men is something that is not new and to the core of the statement, every man does (in essence) have a feminine side. On the other side  of the coin of the hyper-masculine ideals of  many Black gay men, exists the place of feminine men. These men wear whatever they want to wear, speak freely and are the purveyors of fashion and creative language. In doing this, this is born out a fearless mentality that many feminine presenting men take. For white feminine presenting men, the risk they take is great because in the general society, they are frowned upon. But Black gay men who are feminine presenting, they are bane of existence to many. For general society, they violate the rules and maxims set out for gender role adherence. For the African American culture, they violate the even more stringent roles that Black men are supposed to hold and the vision they are supposed to embody. For Black women, they serve as either a vehicle of disgust and are determined as a failure of the black male presence in a family or seen as a caricature. While for Black Men, they see them as trading in their manhood or  “man card” to appear similar to a woman.

           

For Black gay men who are masculine, some share the sentiments of their heterosexual counterparts. Others share no viewpoint, while a minority feels that it doesn’t matter. The majority of gay black men view effeminate men as a caricature. Also feel that their presentation of femininity makes them less desirable at first glance because some of the prevailing attitudes is to find another man. Because some masculine presenting males don’t see feminine presenting males as men it causes many to find them as non-respectable.

            In creating this disrespect towards femininity it creates a divide. The division that is based on determining “the lesser of two evils”: the effeminate gay man and the masculine gay man. For masculine gay man, it is important to separate from the caricature and let the public know “I’m not like them”. For feminine gay men it is the need to make it be known that while they are feminine presenting they are still men. Additionally, when the concept of preferential treatment is within society, it is more acceptable to be in compliance with the gender norm than a norm of sexuality. In clearer illustration, in mainstream society it is said that it is okay to be masculine gay male before being feminine. 

To Be Black, To Be a Man, To Be Gay - Part 2

...And in the final hours, moments, and blink of an eye

We are going to ask ourselves

Did we live

Or

Did we exist a lie?

- Ontology (2014)

To Be Black, To Be a Man, and to be Gay

A Pre-Requisite for Preference: Masculinity

Masculinity is an important part of the identity for any male. The ability to for a man to demonstrate the character and physical attributes of being a male determines the magnitude of what masculinity is. The voice, style of dress, actions, and also even occupation can play into how masculine is determined to be. Masculinity for women is important because it is tied to virility. From a evolutionary standpoint, virility helps to determine the child bearing potential of the man and also their ability to provide and protect the family of procreation. But aside from looking at it from a evolutionary standpoint, virility also gives the “man card” of the designation of manhood to a male.

When dealing with homosexuals and how they view other men, the adherence to gender roles becomes less of a concern. Even though there is still a level of hetero-normative thought that goes into gay men dealing with each other, masculinity is a prized possession for most men. To be masculine in an interaction with another man is important because you still maintain your manhood, even when society claims that you might have lost it. Even then, masculinity tends be a preferred trait for a few other reasons. Personal preference, culture of the individuals, and concerns over the discretion in the relationship drive many gay men to seek out masculine mates both in relations and relationships.

For Black gay men, the hyper-masculinization of our culture has caused a divide in how other gay black men seek one another. Many times, one can refer to hookup sites such as Adam4Adam, BGCLive, or Jack’d to look at the list of requirements to include a requirement that the suitor not “be fem” or “discreet and masculine”.  For black men, adherence to this norm typically indicates that you have to appear to be urban in some stance, and be devoid of anything that can make even a female question your orientation. In other words, if you speak, act, and dress like your standard Black guy from the neighborhood, you’ll be more accessible and mobile sexually and relationship wise.  

A good number of masculine guys tend to shy away from who do not fit into the standard of Black masculinity (who present as more Eurocentric, suburban, or effeminate). This is because they feel that for them to be associated with someone who does not fit into the standard would set them up for them to be further ostracized. At that moment, the masculine presenting Black male is faced with the choice to not engage at all or to engage negatively. Negative engagement with men who do not present under the standard of Black masculinity tends to include name-calling or public condemnation. In more extreme circumstances, even assault can occur.

Additionally, Black masculine men who are gay, tend to have this perceived superiority primarily because they still have their manhood or “man card” intact. Within the culture and within general society, they have been able to keep their identity as a man first making them appear more conforming to norms. For a masculine Black man whom is gay, if he walks into a job or a social setting he would be treated regularly without even mentioning his sexuality. However, someone who is either feminine presenting or middle presenting would be faced with a few social pitfalls and judgment of those sharing the same space.

However, one misconception is that many of these men are simply hiding for the sake of saving face. While it is not rare for men to hide their orientation behind masculine presentation, it is not the only determinant as to why they engage other men the way the do. Many masculine presenting men are just naturally that way… they’re attraction falls separate of their development of person. They may love sports, like exercise, like outdoors activities, and grabbing a few drinks in addition to guys. In that same breath, they might not have a certain idea about certain fashion trends, might hate shopping, and have an affinity for beer over wine. Some boys will still be boys. For Black gay guys, the same is true. There is no hiding for majority for these guys, they grew based on their environment and are unapologetic for it. In being unapologetic it also sheds light on the other side of the house.