― Simone de Beauvoir
The Battle Ongoing
Body Image Issues
(Source: Dressmann)
I remember the the days when I was thin, free, and didn't have to worry so much about what my body looked like. Those days were in my childhood. But once I hit 11 and puberty took hold of my life and shook up my life, I began to notice that I was not growing upwards, but I was growing outwards. I went to the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, their opinion. "It's puberty, and as you develop, you're going to gain some weight... It's normal." The doctor is right, but looking back the speed and way how I gained my weight in my early adolescence led to insecurities that reared their head quite early.
When I was twelve, that was when I attempted to fight my weight head on. Looking back, the reason may have seemed silly... but it resounded with me. I was told by a crush after stating my interest in them that I was "too short and too fat." After being told that I decided enough was enough... I stopped eating and restricted my diet. For the first time in a long time, my body stopped growing outwards and I felt like I had succeeded. I finally had stopped the battle of the bulge. However it fix ended when my mom caught wind of what was going on and suddenly my body began to pack on the pounds quicker than ever before.
By the time I had entered high school, I tipped the scales at nearly 200 pounds. I was upset, I was embarrassed, and most of all I was over it. A breakthrough did not happen until I attended undergrad and for the first time I actually lost weight thanks to walking a lot. During the summers, I made it my business to work out and once again my weight had stabilized. That stability ended when I started law school and since then I've been combating even more weight gain caused by being sedentary.
Now at nearly 23, I look at my body as a battlefield. They say that men are not supposed to be so worried about how their body looks. However between the emotional pains, medical issues, and poor dating prospects the fight has taken its toll. After numerous diets, axing out entire food categories from my diet, and increasing how much I exercise, my stomach is not moving. The worst part is that I am left to merely blame myself.
The most prominent rhetoric for many people who struggle with their weight is that the fact that they are fat is entirely their fault and that they are "lazy" and "unwilling" to change their behaviors. However, for some people like myself the genetic short straw was picked. I have a body type that is characterized by easy weight gain because it holds onto everything and poor weight loss unless I adhere to a diet of nearly no starch, bread, or fat. Even more striking is due to a family history of medical issues, this is the prime time to jump on it and I have.
Dating has even been complicated for me. It's very common to hear out someone's mouth and scrawled across a screen on an app "No fats, no fems..." or "Height-weight proportionate." Even though seeing or hearing those things no longer phase me, it does place in my mind that within the gay community the body ideal is closely tied with the hard-wiring of men to like physically attractive prospects...
But as circumstances have changed, so has my viewpoint. I'm taking control of this battle and having it occur on my own terms.
The first thing in trying to work on my body image issues has been to look at not losing weight but looking at trying to make healthier choices. For me, I decided that I would give up fried food for Lent and have been deciding to cut it almost completely from my diet beyond lent. Also, aside from fixing what I eat, I've made it my business to carve out the time to exercise or do some physical activity even though law school has consumed all of my time.
The second thing (which I am currently working on), is not trying to compare by body to someone else's. I was under the impression that I needed to have completely flat and defined abdominal muscles, a gluteus maximus that someone can chip a tooth on, and humongous arms. As I looked around, I looked at how each person's body is not exactly the same even if it was close to the "male standard of beauty." It dawned on me that perhaps, what may look like one thing on man who's 6'3 with a natural 38 inch chest, may not look the same on someone who 5'8 with a natural 43-44 inch chest.
The third step is being happy with yourself. I know someone who does have this "dream body" and they seem like they are happy, but then I look at how they live their life and I wonder... 4 hours in the gym almost every other day, when they go out to eat they sometimes have to bring their own food, and they can't even enjoy a drink without the thought of calories ruining their day. They are happy that their body looks magnificent but they have to limit themselves from a good portion of social life just to sustain what it is there. I cannot bring myself to that. As I've been told by one of my friends who lost weight and has kept it off is to be happy with yourself, because those same thoughts and insecurities could cause you to gain more weight or not lost any at all.
The last thing is remembering to be patient (I am working on this one too). Most people think that fast weight loss is the healthiest and best weight loss. But many people who specialize in nutrition science and weight loss say the opposite (Don't believe me, look here). Bodies aren't made in a day, they can sometimes take months or years. Some of these people that are on Instagram showing their physiques have been working tirelessly in the gym for upwards of a year to make their bodies look that way. I have to remind myself quite often that this journey is ongoing and giving up is not an option.
There will come a day that I will get my body back to a point where I am content with it and it is content with itself in terms of being healthy. But until then, I have to keep toughing it out. It is a battle ongoing.
Now at nearly 23, I look at my body as a battlefield. They say that men are not supposed to be so worried about how their body looks. However between the emotional pains, medical issues, and poor dating prospects the fight has taken its toll. After numerous diets, axing out entire food categories from my diet, and increasing how much I exercise, my stomach is not moving. The worst part is that I am left to merely blame myself.
The most prominent rhetoric for many people who struggle with their weight is that the fact that they are fat is entirely their fault and that they are "lazy" and "unwilling" to change their behaviors. However, for some people like myself the genetic short straw was picked. I have a body type that is characterized by easy weight gain because it holds onto everything and poor weight loss unless I adhere to a diet of nearly no starch, bread, or fat. Even more striking is due to a family history of medical issues, this is the prime time to jump on it and I have.
Dating has even been complicated for me. It's very common to hear out someone's mouth and scrawled across a screen on an app "No fats, no fems..." or "Height-weight proportionate." Even though seeing or hearing those things no longer phase me, it does place in my mind that within the gay community the body ideal is closely tied with the hard-wiring of men to like physically attractive prospects...
But as circumstances have changed, so has my viewpoint. I'm taking control of this battle and having it occur on my own terms.
The first thing in trying to work on my body image issues has been to look at not losing weight but looking at trying to make healthier choices. For me, I decided that I would give up fried food for Lent and have been deciding to cut it almost completely from my diet beyond lent. Also, aside from fixing what I eat, I've made it my business to carve out the time to exercise or do some physical activity even though law school has consumed all of my time.
The second thing (which I am currently working on), is not trying to compare by body to someone else's. I was under the impression that I needed to have completely flat and defined abdominal muscles, a gluteus maximus that someone can chip a tooth on, and humongous arms. As I looked around, I looked at how each person's body is not exactly the same even if it was close to the "male standard of beauty." It dawned on me that perhaps, what may look like one thing on man who's 6'3 with a natural 38 inch chest, may not look the same on someone who 5'8 with a natural 43-44 inch chest.
The third step is being happy with yourself. I know someone who does have this "dream body" and they seem like they are happy, but then I look at how they live their life and I wonder... 4 hours in the gym almost every other day, when they go out to eat they sometimes have to bring their own food, and they can't even enjoy a drink without the thought of calories ruining their day. They are happy that their body looks magnificent but they have to limit themselves from a good portion of social life just to sustain what it is there. I cannot bring myself to that. As I've been told by one of my friends who lost weight and has kept it off is to be happy with yourself, because those same thoughts and insecurities could cause you to gain more weight or not lost any at all.
The last thing is remembering to be patient (I am working on this one too). Most people think that fast weight loss is the healthiest and best weight loss. But many people who specialize in nutrition science and weight loss say the opposite (Don't believe me, look here). Bodies aren't made in a day, they can sometimes take months or years. Some of these people that are on Instagram showing their physiques have been working tirelessly in the gym for upwards of a year to make their bodies look that way. I have to remind myself quite often that this journey is ongoing and giving up is not an option.
There will come a day that I will get my body back to a point where I am content with it and it is content with itself in terms of being healthy. But until then, I have to keep toughing it out. It is a battle ongoing.
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