Reflections: The First Year of Law School Pt. 2

The First Year: Pt. 2

When the Going Got Rough

The second half of the academic year was no easier than the first. I ended my prior semester with OK grades... But I was not in the top 30%. Which proved to be disastrous on my psyche. Despite all of my friends and family around me telling me I was going to be "ok..." , I ceased to believe it anymore.

The confidence that I had in my intellect had waned to a point so low, that I contemplated minimizing my debts and leaving school. However I did not. What did occur was the dollars and sense coming into perspective. As the second semester dragged on with trying to get a mastery of the material and still trying to get a hand on IRAC and CREAC, the money question became large.

Looking at the total amount I was going to owe when this ordeal was all said and done shocked me. Even for mentors and others who have attended law school have looked at the amount that I am going to owe (above 190k) and nearly choked on their drinks. While some have said that "it's just law school", others have said incurring that kind of debt entering into a field where gainful employment is uncertain is not wise. I've been recommended to transfer several times and even now as I sit writing this, I still fiddle around with the idea (as time seems to tick by). 

The day two and two made 4 was when all anxiety hit like a freight train. The equation that I was given for law school is.

(Grades x Curve) = Rank

Rank + (Honors x Activities) + Prior Experience = Job Placement

But more realistically, as a first year - Grades took up 80% of the equation. Since I knew that I wasn't top 1/3, I contemplated whether or not I should drop out to spare myself the tripling of my debt with grades that get me a job to pay off the debt in question. That's when I knew that the faith I had walked into law school with had evaporated.

So by the end of the year, I was operating on mere anxiety and brute force. A day of work and studying would drag on from 7 in the morning all the way until 2 at night... And repeat over and over again. Friends that I had when I moved to Atlanta said that school had consumed my existence. They were correct in assuming that because for weeks at a time 14 to 18 hour days were a norm. Eyes were twitching, feelings were hurt, and mental health was something that was neglected all for the sake of achieving excellence. 

While this was all going on, I got my internship with the EEOC in Atlanta and also won scholarship money from the Black Law Students Association and grant money from the Public Interest Committee at my school. But I was going beyond where the where the wheels fell off... I was falling apart piece by piece for the sake of merely trying to "save" the dream that was quickly turning into a nightmare. 

When the last final ended, I breathed... and after I went to inhale again, I was doing Write-On. For me, it was my last ditch effort to also save the "glory" of my legal skills as they were now. My oral skills didn't pass muster for mock trial, then my writing undermined my attempt at appellate advocacy with moot court. By that point I did not want to do Write-On feeling dejected. My thought was "Why bother when I have already been told that my reasoning skills are not where they need to be at?" 

At that point I bit the bullet, and completed Write-on whilst working a program ran by the school. I then started my full time internship with the EEOC. 

Essentially, I left 1L year badly beaten. Most of the damage was caused by my own unrealistic expectations of law school combined with my limited skills. Today I got my grades back and I did only a small margin better than the semester before. The long days and endless nights did not work. My faith in God being as small as a mustard seed at the moment is the only thing that is keeping me on this path. I didn't get bought here to be completely bankrupted and left without a job or a purpose. 

My grades may not be top 30%. To vast majority of people who follow TLS or Above the Law, they would probably think that my decision to stay at Emory or even in law school in general is financially irresponsible and a waste of over 190k in loans. However in the same way how people said that I "should invest in a masters" because my LSAT score was deemed too low, I want to give credit to God and the perseverance he instilled in my body to keep going despite the failures. The battle may have been lost, but the war has to be won in some way. 

For those of you trying to enter law school next year, prepare yourself to be taken on a ride. But the ride is what you make it. Have faith. Hold strong and fast. And remember: when the going gets tough, if He's for me, then who'd be against me.

Reflections: The First Year of Law School Pt. 1

The First Year: Pt. 1

Law School Realities in Its Infancy

If you would have spoken to me two years ago, the idea of law school was one that was definite only by will and not by anything concrete. I remember that I was just preparing for finals and getting the books that would help me prepare for the LSAT. I had also taken my first practice test for the LSAT and had gotten a score so discouraging low that later someone suggested that I "not waste my money, and get a Master's degree." 

Since then, I have kept that comment echoing in my ear and by beating great odds, fighting tears, and losses along the way I have not only made into the law school, but I made it through the long spoken about first year. While some people speak about merely the horrors about the first year, I've taken it upon my self to talk about my experience holistically and some of the concerns I had along the way. Hopefully this serves to inspire and educate others that will come after me and also give some guidance about things that people should ( and should not) do. 

I moved to ATL on July 31st 2015, and one of my dear friends from Howard, my sister, my mom and her husband helped me move into my apartment. After a 14 and a half hour drive from PA to GA, I made it there with everything in one piece. Additionally, some of the furniture that I had ordered arrived around the same time I got into the area which made the transition relatively smooth. Move in went off without any major hitches. My mom, her husband, and my sister left and flew back to Philadelphia. My friend stayed for a couple extra days and we had our fun in the city. Immediately after she left, I had my first challenge in my apartment - a break-in. It seemed like freakish luck that two days that I moved in, my door would get kicked down while I was up the street at a friend's apartment. I returned to police and a door frame snapped in half. Luckily nothing was taken from the apartment, but that first night I remember I slept with my door locked and barricaded and several steak knives in the drawer. Eventually, the door was fixed and life moved on.

School started in short order with an orientation that was interesting to say the least. Some of the students that I met during the preview weekend a few months ago where there at my right hand giving commentary to take the edge off the hours of guest speakers who were speaking about their experiences and what is expected as we walk into our legal careers. We were sworn in and as soon as that was done... the part of law school that every student dreads hit every normal first year law student like a ton of bricks. I remember the first days of reading assignments took about two and half hours to three hours to read each. I managed to burn about 2 highlighters in the first week of class alone. It was daunting and anxiety producing and there were nights that staying up until 2am was a reality. One of the first things that someone said was "It's the first week and we are already on a finals schedule." I saw no lie with the statement. 

Less than two weeks in and I got my first "cold call", another thing that someone dreads. It isn't like how they have it on How to Get Away With Murder, It may be worse. It may be something short like a two word answer or the professor may stick with you for almost 30 minutes grilling you on the facts, issue, the holding of the case, the reasoning of the case, the policy behind the reasoning, and even so much as your own opinions or the historical reasons about why the case was ruled a certain way. My first time wasn't that bad, but considering that I read that night for a total of 8 hours after classes were over in anticipation it was my hope that doing 'okay' was the worst I could do. The first few weeks, 90% of the 1L class was in a general state of "What the hell is going on?!" The first few weeks translated to a month and by that point some of the mystique of law school began to fade. However so much as the mystique was fading, the realities of school began to tug at me a bit. 

By the end of the semester, my confidence in school had waned pretty far from where it was when I had started. For several reasons: 

• I felt like after reading a couple hundred cases and several thousand pages of text (between text books and supplements), I felt like my reading comprehension and speed were still not up to par with the rest of my counterparts. This was a huge insecurity that still follows me to some degree. 
• The same writing that was once hailed as top quality work at every other level of education and caught the eye of professors was no longer top quality work and every worse, my work caught the eye of professors but for the wrong reasons. What used to be thoughtful and thorough was now wordy and unwieldy. Even worse, my analytical skills were not being translated to the paper well enough to warrant top marks. 
• When my grades were released from the first semester, my hopes for gainful employment evaporated. While it was well in my second semester that my grades were released, my grades provided the biggest disappointment. I did not do terribly... but I did not land in the top third of the class. My aim was to aim for the top third because most employers take preference for those kind of applicants especially this early on. 
• There were some people that articulated the "Top Third or Die" or "Big Law or Die Mentality" and as a result, I got pulled into that direction. So when grades dropped, I felt the largest sinking feeling I had in a while.

Some physical changes also occurred during my first semester too which weren't too great. 

• My hair started to fall out... and quickly. I usually tried to joke about it. So it would end up being the usual "State of the Edges" speech to my friends. Usually the status was. "They booked a flight to Timbuktu... It may be one way this time." The fall out was caused by stress.

• I gained 20 lbs. If you're used to being from a place where you walk (the North), welcome to a place where walking takes 45 minutes to go 2 miles but driving takes 3 minutes (the South). Plus, when you eat and sit for 10 to 15 hours a day at a time, the food has to go somewhere... it turns into fat. Some people were fortunate to actually lose weight during the course of law school though because of stress. I wasn't fortunate though. 

• I developed back problems. The books that you carry for school are so dense and heavy that if you have them in your luggage, TSA will pull the bag and investigate further. (They show up as a solid mass...) Not to mention each tome is about 500-1200 pages long and as a result they can weight anywhere from 4 to 7 lbs. Add on a laptop and multiple the number of books by 3 or 4 and you have recipe for scoliosis or uneven hips. Even now I am trying to rectify this. Sitting all the time also exacerbates the problem.

• My eyes twitch. Either from anxiety or from the fact that I stare at a screen trying to focus all day on what I am reading or focusing on. If I am not staring at a screen, I am usually transfixed on a book for hours at a time. Even though my vision has not started to deteriorate, I am going to probably need glasses to reduce the strain on my eyes. 

Now what I did learn after my first semester is:

• Writing in the legal field is formulaic. The more boring and patterned it is, the better for the reader. If the person can determine what they are looking for next, you'll get higher marks because at that point you've done the job.

• Fancy wording does not help you. The more eloquently you try to phrase things, the more you dig a grave to place yourself in it. More likely than not, your professor is going to either cut you down to size in a cold call, on a review of your written work, or on your final exam. Just be direct. 

• Everyone is not on even footing. The reality is there are some people who are geniuses and can read a case in 20 minutes and identify the holdings, the rationales for each one, figure out the reason why the judge ruled the way the did was because they wanted to go home early and what not. Other people are bred into this, coming from a long line of lawyers. Some have had prior careers as paralegals and already possess the skill sets to make easy work any class assignments. 

• You're your best gauge. I used to hate hearing this, but there is truth to it. You know yourself the best so you know when to take a break from reading, when to get focused, or when to seek help. I used to try to compare myself to everyone else, but you can't because not everyone is not on the equal footing. 

• You need to have an affirmation. My affirmation that I use is in Latin: "Excellentia et Prosperitatem a Deo", which means Excellence and Prosperity by God. I used to write this in the margin of my notes and I also have them printed on my old outlines to remind myself that I am in this mission for a reason. 

• Good support systems. My friends here at the law school and the Black Law Student's Association have been my backbone and have been there when I have struggled and been through some of my darkest hours. I can say that I would have not made it to the end with my friends and my organizations that I am involved in. 

• You need Faith (capitalized for a reason). Belief in something greater is important. There are many times I felt like I didn't have the strength to carry on. But God pulled me through and allowed me to grow and be better. Since then I was able to have a better handle on seemingly impossible situations when the second semester came. 

• Do your best. It sounds cliche, but people aiming for perfection end up depressed, they self medicate, and they don't perform optimally when the true test comes. I'd rather learn all I need to know and be learning as I go than be perfect from the start. If we were perfect, no one would need to acquire 200k worth of debt to attend law school (or even educational program for that matter.)

And while this is a long post. This is it for Pt. 1. 

Pt. 2 will address the Spring semester.