"Let go, or be dragged." - Unknown
Why Walking Away From Past Hurt Isn't Easy
Life is Too Short
Everyone has a collection of memories that are beautiful, grand, and enough to make someone smile happily as the years pass by. However there are some memories and things that are in our past that continue to haunt us. Some things that have happened to us that change how we live our lives. There are also some memories that manage to keep us cordoned off from curiosities or leave us in tears in the depth of night. Past hurt is something that most people learn from. However in learning, some people also mentally reconfigure their way of living to prevent from having that pain happen again or having to relive the moment of insecurity.
I was speaking with one of my fraternity brothers about this when we were heading back from a night out. One thing he mentioned as I talked certain aspects of my life was that he felt like I needed "to let go of the past." As soon as he made mention of that, I felt a sinking feeling. The sinking feeling comes from the fact that I have been trying to shake off the past for years now. Even in my tender 24 years of living, there have been some experiences in my last 6 years of adulthood that have shaken me to my core.
To focus on a particular area, my love and romantic life has been (for lack of a better word) a calamity. My love life has managed to completely reshape the way I view myself and also limit the way I go about dealing with others. For instance, I no longer approach interests anymore. Why? It's because of the overwhelmingly bad (albeit rude) responses I've had. What were the responses. I've had everything from the semi-rude "Oh, nice to meet you... who's your friend over there?" to "I don't do fats or fems." From those experiences, I usually operate presuming that most guys aren't interested now. Effectively, I've stopped dating.
Other areas also come from the times where I have tried to be helpful and assist others. I am naturally kind and charitable. However I've had people take clear advantage of me and then figuratively throw me off of a cliff to save myself. Over the times that this has happened, I've become a lot less generous and more willing to not act. A good share of the time, I now act with the thought that I have no duty to anyone else except God, my family, and I.
These examples illustrate an important point about why walking away from past hurt is not easy. It illustrates that the past hurt is not merely a memory but creates a psychological response that alters how we move about the world. It's like when your parents told you to not touch the stove because you may get it burned. However you failed to listen, and you got burnt. From then on, you learned to avoid touching the stove until later learned to use it properly.
Past hurt from experiences operates the same way. Rather than put themselves in harms way, people are more willing to avoid what caused them displeasure the previous time. Rather than hear the words of rejection because of how you look, you avoid dating and other activities. Rather than explore your wants and desired because you're afraid of judgment, you repress and hide them.
For myself, this is a struggle. More than a year and a half after promising myself to free myself of the internal bounds of my past experiences, I still feel chained to them. While it seems silly, it is past hurt and shame that causes me to not take off my shirt at the pool or the beach even on the hottest day in the summer. It is the past hurt and shame that causes me to act restricted even in the most free and open environments. It is even the past hurt that causes me even to not take a chance on finding that new guy and walking up to someone and introducing myself to them. The behaviors that have come out of being hurt from the past experiences are defense mechanisms... which ironically hurt the person using them more in the long run.
However looking at it from the lens of my fraternity brother, he explains it best. He says: "Life is too short." He's correct, limiting yourself based on the whims and judging eyes of others means nothing when life can end at any moment. While it does mean being smart about what you are doing in the moment, past hurt should merely be a learning lesson - not an impediment to continue living life in the full way it is meant to be lived.
I wait for the days where I can feel secure enough to enjoy my body, my -isms, and my quirks the way I want to. Until then, I am going to keep chipping away at the walls that have grown thick from what has caused hurt or pause in the last half decade or so. For those of you who are hurt by the past, you best "let go, or be dragged."
ifw (c) 2017
