The Unfortunate Truth:
Why Accolades Can't Save You While Dating
You work in an office overlooking the city, you've been at the top of class for your degree program (yes, every last one), and now you make a great salary that is the envy of your friends and the dream actualized by your family. You're successful, no doubt about it. And the sweetest thing out of all of this that you've achieved these feats by the tender age of 25 or 26. Others don't have he luxury until they reach their 30's or 40's, but you've managed to take the fast track to success. Then the dream of having someone else in comes into play and that's where being the top of the class doesn't apply.
There are many people who I know who have this problem, the sense of entitlement that comes with having degrees and having accolades and then not finding someone who is willing to entertain them. Even though you have what a most would be consider to solid footing for a good life, others don't seem to care much. Well here is some insight as to why, after constructing the perfect life for yourself, you still can't find what you are looking for.
1. You're not offering the right things.
This may sound crazy, but perhaps instead of offering a generous income or dates aplenty with opulent and grand meals that the other person cannot pronounce properly, perhaps you've placed too much emphasis on the dollars and sense and trying to demonstrate your financial or institutional wealth over demonstrating nurturing and loving behavior. I've seen people make this mistake where they shower the person with gifts and expensive dinners rather than just trying to get to know them for who they are over a glass of wine and something minute.
Even on aesthetic front, having degrees won't save you if you aren't the drop dead gorgeous type. And while it sounds shallow, studies have shown that people are drawn to conventionally attractive people because instinctually a solid appearance can indicate good health and positive signs of selection when it comes to having children. Now... here's the big "but". Personality comes in to save the day because most people when engaging in relationships usually don't fall in love on first sight and the personality is the biggest predictor of whether or not a pairing can last.
To go back to aesthetics, I remember a friend of mines once telling me "You can have all the degrees you want and have that nice job that makes you over 100 grand a year. But men don't want that, you're not offering them the full package..."
Now. Let's enter the gay man's dimension where things get very picayune. Pretty much in male-to-male relationships both parties are pretty much caught up on looks. While it is a truth that many don't want to accept (myself included), men are hardwired to look for a sexual mate that is capable of tickling their aesthetic fancy.
Hence, since I stand at a mere 5'8 and am thick around the mid-section, most men probably wouldn't seek me out as a mate, whether or not I have a degree and accolades. The only ones that would would either be the ones who are older and do not have the same preferences that I would like to seek out. Which in essence creates a mismatch: Group A that I'm pursuing is not interested because I'm not offering what they want, and Group B is pursing me, but I'm not interested in what they're offering.
This cycle leaves the successful person in a conundrum.
2. You're not available.
There are two ways this can be: Either you are never physically available or you're not emotionally available.
Not being physically available is a fear that people have when they see you with all these degrees and having a good job. And with good reason. Why would I want to be with someone who is never around to take me on a date, spend personal time with me, or even find the time to come to visit? For many, when they see that wall full of degrees, they see that you're going to make them a secondary thought in their mind in comparison to the work that you do. For instance, if I am a lawyer and I am working a 70 hour week for a firm where I am practically always on call, why on Earth would you want to date me? The nice date probably would not be worth it if it keeps on getting interrupted by a secretary or a partner calling to iron out wording in draft of a contract.
And the even more problematic is not being there mentally for that person. The worst thing is having someone who is in front of you at the table is busy tapping away at a phone, or reading something is is clearly occupied with their work or something on their own mind. Being mentally unavailable is quantifiably worse than not being physically present because that means you're probably right in front of their face effectively ignoring them. In the person's mind they will feel like once again, they will always been second to your work and won't be keep on trying to date you.
3. You are into yourself too much or you're insecure.
I will start this one with a disclaimer: Not all people who have this problem seem to be conceded or lack self esteem. But a good many do tend to have either one of these problems. Some people have gone to great lengths in order to hide a shortcoming that they have or to make themselves feel like they are "the shit." But let's be real here, having these awards strewn across your wall doesn't help you especially when it keeps others away. I've seen quite a few people introduce themselves and when the other persons asks "so tell me about yourself", out comes the resumé or curriculum vitae. It's kind of annoying. I've been told this myself, so rather than starting like I'm in a job interview I kind of talk about myself as a person rather than a job prospect.
For the ones that are overly cocky or conceded... it's not cute. A man/woman likes confidence in who you are as a person, but that confidence becomes self-absorption when you go out your way to try to compete with them. Humble yourself a bit and you'll be surprised to see the results.
For the ones who have used their accolades to hide certain imperfections, just know that imperfections are a part of human life. There is a reason why some of the most famous supermodels have small quirks about their appearance, it's because the human mind is drawn towards mistakes in a makeup and bored by perfection. So rather than using your accolades to make yourself that person who appears to have it all together, just remember that showing your true colors may just give you a call back. And if you don't get that call back, that simply means that the person wasn't your cup of tea.
So if you feel loveless with your 3 degrees and 5 certifications, and can't seem to get it right don't fret: your time is coming. You don't have to be a single professional a-la-Being-Mary-Jane. The key is just remembering to make yourself more accessible, nurturing, and human appearing so that way you don't scare anyone off. For the ones who struggle in the aesthetics department and you cover it up with a degree, it's alright. Why? Because for every 10 people that bypass you, the higher the chances are you can find someone who is genuinely about getting to know you. It's a matter of quality before quantity after-all, so enjoy your success and don't sweat it. If you feel like you're growing old and no one is coming your way, don't worry about that either: studies show that as men and women age into their 30's and into their 40's financial and career stability are big determinants in relationship compatibility and help people find mates.
Don't give up hope. Otherwise it will give up on you.
