“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long as the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” - Helen Keller
Rebuilding on New Ground
After Life's Hurricane
It has been a while since I have drafted any blog posts. It has also been a while since I have started to take a trend towards a renewed happiness. My previous blog post indicated everything that has transpired prior to my move back to Philadelphia. March 17th will mark my three-month anniversary since I have landed back home. While it is several days off from exactly three months, these three months have been eye-opening. Even in the pain and depression that I had to fight through, it was clear that my life needed improvements on all fronts.
Assessing the Damage
Metaphorically, in my last blog post, I talked about my house being built upon sand. When I returned to Philadelphia, I had to have a critical moment with myself to figure out where I had gone wrong. Truth be told, It was a daunting process that took most of the month of December. I know that the bar exam was coming up again in February, but I also wanted to use the holidays to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was struggling so badly.
It revealed itself to me within a week of sitting and thinking what was wrong; I was completely out of balance.
Mentally, I was struggling with depression from having to give up my life in Atlanta and my independence. I felt like I had failed as a man and as an adult because I had to move back home, lose my income, and lose my own means of making a living. Physically, I was falling apart. My weight ballooned as I gained 15 more pounds on top of the weight I had been struggling to lose. I was tired all of the time and my blood pressure had gotten worse. Spiritually, I felt broken. I felt that God had completely forsaken me and that I was meant to be a tortured soul because he did not take me when I asked him to (immediately following my bar results... this will be the subject of another post later).
The day after New Years, it became clear what I needed to do. I needed to get myself back together. I needed to reclaim myself from all of my issues. Rather than cede my power to people and things, it was time to take charge of myself. Historically, this has always been a challenge for me; I always tried to control everything both internally and externally to make sure that it all was "right." But I learned that trying to control the external sometimes yields very little. So with that in mind, I said that 2019 was going to be the year I take myself back.
I did not realize how revolutionary when I decided to deem 2019 a year of Reclamation. Yet, the change was not overnight and is still ongoing.
Building Something New
The first step to fixing most of my problems had been completed; I identified them and wrote them down. However, the second step was the most difficult part of the journey and is still one I struggle with from time to time.
I had to reframe my approach and viewpoints. The first thing I had to start with was saying to myself "that I'm going to this again." Anytime I felt myself feeling like I wanted to cry (and yes, men usually cry when they felt like they have lost everything) or get frustrated over what I had lost, I immediately would say the opposite of what I was thinking. I had to cognitively reframe my situations as they happened. While this is strange to some, I decided to take a spiritual approach to this. Many spiritual texts (including the Bible) talk about the power of words. For me, I wanted to not speak stagnancy or negativity into the journey I was embarking on. I only wanted to speak life, positivity, and affirmations into it. Even when things were not ideal, it helped me get through many dark days of studying the bar again.
The second thing I did was that I had to look within to find my spiritual compass. I left Atlanta spiritually near-dead. I also had a bad habit of calling on God when I felt that my life was falling apart. I learned that many of us making the mistake of talking to God (or our divine being of our respective religions) when we are in trouble. However, I decided to stop crying to God only when I was hurt. I prayed to God many days and nights thanking him for what I did have.
It helped me realize that I was blessed and that I had a lot more than others. I became appreciative of the fact that I had a family home to return to, my mother and sister are alive and well, and that even when I felt unloved or had no mercy on myself, they would be there to cheer me on and encourage me. Prayers of appreciation and regular engagements with the Bible through prayer calls and my daily Bible app helped me through many tough days as I was studying for the bar exam. There were days where I would be so disgusted on my own performance on practice questions. However, I had to stop and think to myself that if God wanted my journey to be over when I asked to be done because I felt I had failed in my purpose, he would have called my number. Then I'd remind myself this one key thing: "if God can have grace on you, why not have grace on yourself?"
The third thing I did was that I changed my diet and started exercising. Exercise is important, but it is important that you pair it with a change in diet. One thing I got rid of was potatoes... because I realized that when I ate them, it would affect my digestion and also affect my mood. Additionally, I now work out at least an hour 4 times a week. While I was studying for the bar, I had to walk almost a mile back and forth to the library where I would study at every weekday. In changing my diet and increasing my level of physical activity, I lost 25 pounds. I did not realize how much weight I lost until I had to pack to head back to Georgia to take the bar exam at the end of February. When I used to struggle to fit a size 38, I now fit comfortably into a size 36. I feel a lot better, and I think a lot more clearly. Plus, keeping to a diet and exercise regime helped keep me disciplined.
Placing the Fence
In building something new, on more stable ground, and seeking to reclaim yourself from spiritual, physical, and mental deprecation, it is also important to remember the effect that others have on building something new.
Keeping a privy council is always best. Yet, it is best to keep it small, keep it intimate, and keep it with people who you have built trust with. Not everyone should be entrusted with news of your growth. Some may even feel the need to limit it or block it if you mention it. Work your plan and keep very few on notice about how you are going about reclaiming yourself. For me, I had to learn this lesson the hard way. But also, I learned that not every person cannot be called a friend and some "friends" are best held five feet away from you and your magic.
Even after two months of this change, I started to look at some of my relationships shift with certain people in my life. There are some people in my life who I love dearly as my friends, who I now realize are broken, toxic, or troubled. One thing I learned in the new approach that I am taking that I cannot fix other broken people without the right tools, toxicity is best avoided altogether by keeping my distance, and trouble is best handled by pointing it in another direction.
More simply put, you cannot allow yourself to be imperiled by your conscious decision to give time and power to others who will merely waste it and laugh in your face. In line with this thinking, I now am focusing on fixing solely myself. One friend has said that my new approach is selfish. However, the old approach left me just as broken, toxic, and troubled as those I tried to help. I'm more effective as a whole person free of encumbrances than someone weighed down by the negative energies of others.
As relationships shift, do not despair. The good friends and the positive influences will be there for you as you grow. The ones who are "friends" only in name will either fall away or reveal their true colors to you. Once someone's true colors are revealed, and it appears less than reputable, take Maya Angelou's advice: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Conclusion
These last few months have been a period of immense internal growth. While it has been painful, and at times, I cried or was angry at my circumstances, I found a way to start to turn the corner. Now, that I'm on the road to something new and I have two months and some change until the bar exam results from February release, I have full faith that what is currently under construction is more beautiful and robust than what stood before. I also have full hope that for all of the suffering and depression I went through in the past will yield something beautiful and glorious come May.
