How Privilege, Ignorance, and Disparities Got Us Here: Election 2016

" We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal..."

How Privilege, Ignorance, and Disparities Got Us Here

Election 2016

The presidential election of 2016 will go down in history as one of the most hotly-contested elections in this nation's history. Two-hundred forty years after the United States declared independence from Great Britain and this election was covered by sensationalism. It was also historic because it was the first time that a major political party had a woman participate in the main presidential elections and ballot. This election was also historic for another reason: it was the first modern election where a main candidate was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan. 

There are many factors that have drove this election, but I will address three because they are cyclical and continue around in a spiral which has yet to be resolved. The spiral is as follows in a logical analogy.

Certain classes and groups of people are privileged

Most people with privilege are ignorant to the lives of those without privilege

Those without privilege live subject to disparities

Disparities create the notion of privilege...

You get the point. 

Essentially, as people voted it became clear that were were deep divides amongst race, gender, age, sexual orientation, and education status. The polls and election maps told all of the stories. That this election was fueled by privilege, ignorance, and disparities that have been the cornerstone of the United States even during it's colonial inception. 

Privilege

Privilege can take many forms. Some times it is wealth related, other times it is educationally related, for the content of this discussion I will focus on race. Now, at this point I may lose readers (do not despair, more on the ignorance or disparities portion and you may find something interesting I might concede) but what I am saying has merit. 

Privilege and race in the United States like many other Western countries go hand and hand. The more European the look, the more preferential the treatment. The straighter the hair - the better you get viewed in an interview. The more you fit in with the European status-quo - the more easily you are received by your counterparts that may not look like you (I can go on for days citing studies and anecdotes about this, but rather than bore you - you can Google, JSTOR, or Wikipedia it all you want at your own leisure). However, there are now other ways that race play a factor which contribute to real life consequences who are subject to such a system. 

For instance, police officers view Black and Hispanic men as more violent and less innocent than White men. Black people are more likely to get killed by police based on statistical exposure than other groups. Black and Hispanics usually have high interest rates for home and auto loans even when factoring in credit and earnings being the same as someone who is white. White men with a criminal record can find a job more easily than a Black or Hispanic man with a college education. And the list goes on and on. 

White women also are privileged in the sense that they too carry their race before their gender. While gender on it's own does pose it's own limiting factors on employment, treatment in the workplace, and pay - White women usually fare a lot better than their Black and Hispanic female counterparts. Even historically, when it came to suffrage rights all women were not created equal. In the words of Elisabeth Cady Staton, celebrated as an icon for women's suffrage, she stated that "What will we and our daughters suffer if these degraded black men are allowed to have the rights that would make them even worse than our Saxon fathers." In that statement she implied that her race as a White woman made her more fit to vote than a Black person. 

In essence, what we saw during this election was a direct reflection of this. Poll numbers for White women where particularly high for Donald Trump. Even in light of his misogyny, rape culture driven, and oft comments and views about women. Why would women vote against their own interest you may ask? Privilege. Based on race alone, many White women feel that still ride above almost every other class of American. They know that if they walk into the store, no one would presume they would steal and won't get followed around. They know that they say to a police officer to "get their hands off of me!," they'll be alive to tell the tale and not have a resisting arrest charge. 

For Black people who have voted for Trump, the same can be said to certain degrees. Many people I know voted for Trump who are Black voted against their interest. It was based on the belief that "they do not abide the status quo" and that because of their education and affluence, it removes them from being a target. The issue is that even if you have money, assets, residual income, and high academic acquisition, American society still sees you as lesser. In other words, voting from a false sense of privilege ignores the historical foundations that not only this country was founded on, but the legacy Black-Trump Supporter hails from by function of Slavery. They vote against history, they vote against their ancestors, and they fly in the face of the collective good of a community that birthed them by dissociating themselves from it. 

Even age comes with privilege. Most Millennials and Gen Y's who reached the age to vote are saddled with poor job prospects, low earnings in comparison to degree attainment, and extreme student loan debt. In terms of generating wealth, most people who are between 18-30 are struggling to make ends meet despite working harder, longer, and multiple jobs.  So when dealing with Baby Boomers and older people, they fail to understand the issues that face our generation. During the days when Baby Boomers were our age, they could afford a new car, a house, know they have a good salary, with a pension once they retire. Now, most people 18-30 will work into perpetuity because Social Security will disappear and pensions will no longer exist (in fact you'll be lucky if you make a match on a 401k... or even have enough money to start at 401k).

Most people who voted for Trump that are older are out of touch with the realities facing young people. They have their homes or homesteads, they have property, they have cars, they have relatively low educational loan obligations, even if they got a educational loan, the amount is much less because of the time needed to go to school due to academic inflation.  Hence, it is much easier for an older person to vote for their own interest because of the "I got mines, you need to get yours - and I'm not handing it to you" mentality. 

Ignorance

People with privilege do no understand or live the life of someone who lacks that privilege. So by function of a lack of knowledge, they are ignorant (which is essentially what the definition of the word is). For many White People they do not understand the pain of racism. Most never have, most never will. If they do experience it, it is because they either are aware when they see it to recognize that it does exist or they have family members such as children or grandchildren or cousins who are subject to such treatment. 

The most common theme in the last few years is that many White men and women don't understand seek not to understand the plights of others. When Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians seek to discuss it - there is a shutdown. The response is:  "Why is it always about race?"  To the person asking the question, they don't see it as a problem because they haven't experienced it. So, they are tired of hearing about it. Why? Because it does not effect them in a meaningful way to care. The argument for people of color to not listen to the viewpoint of a white person is a bit different... it's based on the fact that we are made to assimilate by function of sociological processes. Hence, we have to learn to be assimilative in behavior, diglossic in speech, and versatile in our appearance.

In this election, ignorance was so prevalent that it embarrassed the United States. It showed that our culture is one that prides itself on not listening. It showed that our culture is only going to hear the vestiges of bigotry. Worst of all, it showed that our culture rather slide backwards because those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. 

Donald Trump used the rhetoric of Black people living in decaying ghettos and painting Chicago as a war zone. However, lest we forget that the reason why many Black people live in these communities are due to the Great Migration. The response of many homeowners in these Northern cities was to redline neighborhoods and create restrictive covenants on home-buying that were not totally abolished until Shelly v. Kramer and Title VIII of the Civil Rights Act of 1968. To this day, many of these policies leave Northern cities more segregated than their Southern counterparts. With failing school systems that were defunded and infrastructure that was left neglected, cities like Chicago, Philadelphia, and Detroit don't leave much for poor youth of color leaving them to get into all sorts of trouble. If it were not for policies that were based on racial privilege, this problem would have not gotten so bad. 

Many supporters follow the patterns of ignorance that Trump has made evident. Racial slurs, violent acts, and acts of provocation have been some of the things that has spawned such ire over his upcoming presidency. In essence, the most clear minded of American citizens know that racism was existent. The issue is that it became accepted during his campaign. However, it is worse because Trump's win of the presidency legitimizes racism in a way unseen since the legitimization of Anti-semitism in Germany in 1929. 

For Black voters who I have encountered voting for Trump, the lack of understanding about history drives this.  A lack of understanding about self-identity and self-derivation points to dissociation with being marked as person of color. By losing the ability to look in the mirror and take notice of what the rest of the social status quo looks at you as and implications carried by it, you discount all history and knowledge. Essentially by being Black (or even LGBT or Disabled) and voting Trump, you seek to destroy 60 years of progress your predecessors worked, marched, slaved over, and was murdered or assassinated for. Once again, privilege shields you from being unable to comprehend what society feels about you even though history makes it readily apparent and inherently obvious. 

Disparities

I will concede one thing. Most people that voted for Trump in this past election were White people who live in rural communities that are not wealthy by any means. They voted against their interest. Historically Republicans are anti-public assistance and believe that WIC, Food Stamps, and Obamacare need to be eradicated. But they did not care... why? It's because once again, ignorance over actual usage of those benefits and privilege carries the day. While White people who are rural and poor may not have socio-economic clout and use public assistance programs more than people of color, Whiteness allows them to get loans at lower interest rates, purchase homes, find employment, and avoid incarceration at higher rates than other groups. 

Even if they lost their benefits and public assistance, they know that their race will safeguard them from many maladies that do not face other groups. 

Blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, the LGBT community , and immigrants (both legal and illegal), have been shaken up by the election of Trump because he has managed to attack every minority group in the country. He and Pence have even threatened to start stripping rights away from the LGBT, Muslim, and immigrant communities. By doing this, Trump has legitimized 400 years of racial oppression against Blacks (and arguably Hispanics as well), reversal of key LGBT rights cases like Obergefell v. Hodges and Lawrence v. Texas, and tracking Muslim Americans similar to how Jewish people  were marked with the Star-of-David during the Holocaust. It is obvious that disparate impact by the law is not something that is going to occur, disparate treatment is going to occur.

The Tie In

I know I said a lot but if you'd followed me this far, I will keep this section painfully (or not) short. 

The totality of the circumstances suggest that there is a problem. I propose some solutions during this period since we are living in an age that racial injustice and prejudice are legitimized are in vogue again. 

1. Privilege Check Your Friends

 If they're your friends, they'll hear you out

2. Privilege Check Yourself 

Sometimes your lack of viewpoint is because you've never had to be there. Listen to others

3. Stand up Against Things That are Inherently Incorrect.

For all of my friends who are people of people, make sure that your friends that are people of color are not speaking wildly. That being said if you have White friends that tend to get quiet when there is racial injustice encourage them to speak up. They have the privilege, they know they do. So if they leverage it, both you and them can shut a bigoted person up or educate them. 

4.  Get educated

If anything try to get more read with the ways of the world. 

5. Pray

No matter what spiritual belief you follow, pray to create a clean heart in yourself or creation of a clean heart in others who will then be willing to learn about the world and themselves

6. Know you can't change people...

You can lead a horse to water, but these attitudes took 400 years to propagate and spread in the fashion that they have. They are also deeply ingrained in our history and how we function in society. 

7. ...But push the system

Things cannot change until we change out selves. 

Why It's Okay Friendships Are Seasonal

" Everyone has their summer... but everyone also has their winter too." 

Why It's Okay Friendships Are Seasonal

Sometimes friendships are seasonal. That's right, I said it. They some come and go, some have their purpose, and some are merely for that certain period of time. While these friendships are seasonal and don't last forever, there are times where perhaps those friendships don't last into perpetuity. To illustrate this point, I compare friendships to flowers found in a garden. You have your annuals that make it through one year and remain vibrant throughout. Then you have your perennials that flower every year without fail and with proper care can be robust and grow marvelously. Here are some reasons why friends may be seasonal. 

They Change and Become Foreign to You Too Quickly

Change is good. Within the context of friendships, change is also good so long as it is constructive. However, if you've only known your friend for a short period of time and they all of sudden change and start acting differently towards you without rhyme or reason (whether known or unknown), that is a red flag. This is the first inkling that this friendship is on the way out and they feel that your purpose as a friend has been fulfilled. At that moment you become more a "close associate" rather than a friend. 

The Circumstances Around Your Friendship Render it Moot

There are times where people make friends with utility in mind because of the circumstances that they may be in. Whatever the circumstance is however, it resolves itself and the foundation that the friendship was built on wilts away. There are times where the friendship may remain intact, but it is very easy for it end up in a wintry condition. Eventually the meet-ups cease, texts become curt and short, calls become shorter, then they become less frequent, then they stop altogether. 

Changes in Lifestyle Creates Incompatibility

Sometimes people's working schedules and beliefs sometimes throw a wrench into the machinery that friendship churns. Most times, this one is unavoidable. Changing trajectories in career paths and geographic placement can cause this one to happen. Without much effort, the friendship can erode into nothingness. This particular one is interesting because I experienced this one when I arrived to law school. There were several people I was friends with at one point or another I could not associate with because of where I wanted to go in my career. What they were into was something I didn't want to tarnish my professional career (especially since I'm having a rocky start). 

Other Friendships in a Group Fail Rendering the Current One Moot

This may seem petty but it happens. When you are in a situation where there are friends in a group and the group falls apart, you see no reason to associate with anyone else in the group anymore. It can be for a myriad of reasons. Generally though, the dissolution of individual friendships from the people in the group occur out of want to move on from something that is dysfunctional. 

Negative Actions or Violations

This is also quite common. Most people know that their friends are up to no good and do things or say things that are hurtful. For the most feeble, they defend their friend until a point where the actions of the person become insufferable, are inexcusable, or when that same friend begins to make jabs at them and point out their deficiencies. It can also happen because the friend decided in their infinite wisdom decided to sleep with the other friend's significant other at the time they were dating (for some people, it doesn't even matter if it happened after the fact... the other person is completely off limits forever.) 

They Feel You're Inadequate (Or You Feel They're Inadequate)

This falls in line with the last one but this one is more distinct. Some friends believe that because you cannot "keep up" or "look the part" they want you to look like you're no longer worthy to be their friend and they have outgrown your usefulness and aesthetic appeal. In essence because they feel like you're inadequate, they'll discard you by taking negative actions or will flat out ignore you. Keep in mind that this could also operate in the inverse you can think that you have outgrown the person who they have become for less than a legitimate purpose. 

 This is by far the most painful form of separation in a friendship because it targets the person's integrity as being not enough and may impact the self esteem of the person being "let go."

With this in mind, it is okay to say that the friendship has run its course. To try to keep it on life-support is not healthy. The continuation of friendships (or trying to maintain it)  stymies each successive person's growth. In essence, if they feel like you're not enough as you are and they are distancing themselves from you then don't worry about it. They had their season. If your lifestyle has changed and you are no longer able to hang with that person anymore because thy are involved in some kind of unsavory activity, then just make it known that there is some incompatibility. If you can't make it worth after that incompatibility is there, the world is not going to end. 

Overall, friendship is a two way street. If it is not working anymore and there is no real resolution- there is no point attempting to hang on. If the person doesn't want to be your friend anymore, then screw them. In reality, you only need a few good friends rather than a plethora of them to by in life. In addition, it also has to go along with putting things in their proper perspective: Not everyone is going to be your friend and some are better at being associates. Additionally, not every friendship is going to result in a long lasting friendship... accept that perhaps every time you shake hands or exchange names you may not become "BFFs". 

Cry at Your Discretion: Preceived Inexcusability of Fragility

" Well I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon shed no tears
No, I'm not gon cry,
it's not the time
cuz you're not worth my tears"
- Not Gon' Cry by Mary J Blige (1995)

Cry at Your Discretion

Perceived Inexcusability of Fragility

We live in a world that prides itself on lack of showing emotions and operating regardless of human traits and difficulties. Because we operate on that scheme, the notions about emotional control has slid towards an extreme. That scheme has taken pride on emotional desensitization, emotional insensitivity, and emotional absenteeism. Within some groups, the ideas about demonstrating emotions have been skewed by gender norms. Overall, it is more apparent than ever that the reality of emotional health followed by the perception of emotions are diametrically opposed to one another.

Using myself as an example, the recent police shootings, xenophobic, homophobic, and racist rhetoric has taken a toll on my emotional well being. While some would say it doesn't affect it me, it does indirectly in a way that makes me conscious of my identity as a black gay male living in the South (even though Atlanta is a different animal, you get reminded that this is the South quite often). As a result I'm emotionally worn out. Add in the fact that I am in an academically stressful environment and there are other things at work, and it is a surprise that I have not completely broken from the total of everything that is going on. 

However many people don't look at it this way. In fact, a good portion people reading this would expect me to "man up,""deal with it,"or " not be in my feelings." It's because of the expectation that a man should just endure and more deal with his emotions. His job is to produce and provide almost nearly irrespective of what is going on around him. In the Black community, this sentiment is quite rigorous and takes on a "by any means necessary" type of course. This is even more true because of my LGBT identity where I have to prove myself in a way that makes me more masculine. To prove a presumption of manhood, I have to deprive myself of emotional frolics that would make me look to effeminate...

All in all, it's non-sense.

At this point, it's been well documented that emotional suppression leads to a host of issues. It's well documented and men particularly use it more than women, while women are starting to do it with increasing instance. However as people use expressive or emotional suppression more, they lose out on interpersonal relationships and sound mental health. While they look like a stone wall to the outside world, in reality they suffer from the instability of sand internally and constantly have to fight something that substantively makes them human. 

Personally, the last few weeks have been one where there has been a lot of emotional suppression at play. Some days, there is a bit of numbness (which is not good) to certain things. The reason is merely out of utility, but other days it is merely for the sake of not appearing frail. If you can, express your joy and displeasure in a way that is healthy. As you bottle it up, you feel the build up. You can't breathe, eat, or sleep normally and that (at a baseline) is a set up to for health issues that are avoidable by proper management techniques. If you are dealing with trauma from the world surrounding, express your emotions by talking about them with friends or family in a way that is open honest and candid. Make sure that the person is able to listen and not merely hear you so they can engage and figure it out. 

Ultimately, it is okay to not be ok.

It is okay to be fragile. 

And it is okay because even the most efficient machines break from time to time. 

Running Ragged: The Fall of An Overachiever

"We pride ourselves on being Superman, not knowing that even Superman is not totally infallible."

Running Ragged 

The Fall of an Overachiever 

Looking at my circumstances, I serve as an example of how not to enter and walk through this experience. I can only offer these bits of advice:

• Remain confident even when things are not going well
• Place yourself around people who are going to challenge you to do better
• Remain positive
• Rest yourself appropriately when your body and mind gives you signs that you need to.
• Work efficiently at the onset to avoid working harder later on
• Be a go-getter and reach out to anyone who you feel can offer you advice and elevate you
• Do not listen to naysayers. 
• Be honesty with yourself but not overly hard on yourself.
• Trust in God (or you Creator) with all of your heart
• Understand your limits, but don't them completely handicap you. 

If I had listened to my own advice, then I would not feel like how I presently do. 

The second year of law school has started for me. By now, one would think that some of the initial insecurities about being in law school should have dissipated. However, rather than the insecurities about law school dissipating and my understanding of how the process works increasing, it seems to be that I am in a similar position to how I was when I started. The main differences: my confidence has slipped, the workload has increased, and I have diverging internal and external opinions coming to into play as I walk through this process that produce woe. What used to be a bright-eyed student who was an overachiever with lofty hopes an aspirations has devolved to someone who is unsure about everything. What used to be a confident and intelligent person has become doubtful and confused. 

This piece is being written to tell those who are confident to remain so. Once your confidence and peace of mind goes, the world turns into a sad place. When I entered law school and began my studies, I was gladly learning the information, doing the reading, outlining and doing everything possible to ensure success. After the first semester failed to pan out well, I ticked up the intensity to a point where several felt like I was going too far. However generally, I was still in pretty good spirits. When my grades rolled out from the second semester that's when things began to slide. 

Now, I am in my second year. I'm applying for jobs by doing a myriad of things such as online applications, networking, mailings, and the like. Amidst these things, I have been told essentially that because of my grades my job prospects remain so slim that it warrants concern. So much so that a few people have recommended I drop out and come back to school. My debts (which is a reality of law school) are mounting and academically my performance is still poor. Not only that, but with an increasing workload, I am still struggling to make the ends meet. The frustration: This is first time in my life where I need to improve and want to improve my performance, and despite best efforts it's not happening. Even when people are saying that my grades aren't that bad, I am still experiencing difficulties in spite of how hard I am working. There is simply no answer for it, so the cycle of stress and feverish pace of work just continues. 

Me putting in 15-18 hour days has now taken a toll on my sanity and health. To some degree, there are moments when I question if I can make it to the end and be solidly positioned. If you can do well earlier on and learn the method to the madness, then you won't be trying to fix it later. What is past, is past... what matters now is trying to save the future In line with this pragmatic (and arguably pessimistic) view, I also now believe what the lines of a famous John Legend song says "The future started yesterday, and we're already late." 

The hope is that things can turn around. That my life can improve and that rather than being stuck, I can fulfill a dream in the way that was intended to be fulfilled 20 years ago when I first said I wanted to be a lawyer. All these years I have pushed for excellence in performance, intelligence, and academia. However in pushing for that excellence, I've forgotten the human element which create Cinderella stories. The other day when I spoke with another law student of mine she told me that I need to have God re-enter my life. She was right. I felt like as I strayed away, things grew more stagnant in pursuit of my dreams. In light of that I'm in the process of building a new plan that moves away from my tradition means of overachievement. Rather than focusing on sheer or near-perfection, I am going to focus on excellence. Rather than focusing on completing it all at once, I'm going to focus on the smaller goals that make up the whole. 

I've ran myself ragged and I have fallen from the grace I once held. Instead of aiming for the future based on past operation, I need to aim for the future with new ways of thinking and confidence that needs to be rebuilt from the ground up. 

Discussing Race: "I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own"

" Ignorance Is Bliss " 

Discussing Race: 

"I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own" 

With recent occurrences that have been happening in the realm of social relations between different ethnic groups and looking at my Facebook Newsfeed, it has become readily apparent that people are discussing the institution of race and bigotry resulting from it. However while looking through many of these comments in silence, it seems to be a common thread among many of these heated discussions. The common thread: dismissive thinking. 

For the sake of this writing I just want to clarify one thing: Race is a social construct and has no scientific bearing. So rather than talking about race is something that is scientific, I will talk about it within the context of it's status as a social institution. 

From my observations it seems that in light of the Black Lives Matter movement the retort has been "All Lives Matter." This retort is problematic merely because it is dismissive. How you say? It is dismissive because it essentially says "All lives matter, so why is yours special?" or " Aww that's cute, but all lives matter equally. " Either way it is packaged, it is dismissive for two reasons. 

1. It completely discounts the logic of what "Black Lives Matter" means: 

When someone says that Black Lives Matter, it means that the life of a Black (or even other minorities) matter as much and the same as someone who is Euro-American or White. When people say "All Lives Matter" they dismiss that inference and substitute it using the logical fallacy akin to that of "because it's not there, it doesn't mean that." If English operated that way, then most of the world would be in trouble. 

2. It completely silences a disenfranchised group:

Every single time something happens in a community full of African American or Black People, "All Lives Matter" advocates jump up and say it to drown out inherent injustice and disparities that are present in our community.

By this admission, it becomes clear that many people who exist out there also say that certain things "aren't about race" when quite clearly they are. For instance, there was a conversation on the wall of close friend and classmate of mines regarding African Americans or Blacks being told that they are "articulate." Some people said that it isn't an insulting thing and that it should be taken as a compliment. But another poster indicated that in her professional job, she was repeatedly told this by her White supervisor. This same supervisor never said this to any of her White counterparts.

Why is this racist? It's because there is a stereotype and an ongoing history of African Americans or Blacks having a lower intelligence quota compared to other groups. Additionally, because Blacks are more likely to use dialectical language that deviates from Standard American English, they are deemed inarticulate. So when someone white says to a Black person that they are articulate and does not mention it to others that are of a different group it's akin to saying "He's articulate for a Black man/woman." It is a statement planted in the grove of a stereotype. 

Even in regards to general points of information regarding the state of African Americans in the United States, many people (even some African Americans who may just be misinformed) say that if we stop talking about race it will go away. ( Note: I've written about this before, have a look) However there is huge logical flaw within this argument posed that can be evidenced by many examples:

If we ignore a fire, it will go away

If we ignore the flea infestation, they'll die and go away

If we ignore the bridge pieces falling off the bridge, it will be fine

If we ignore the pothole, it will stay the same size

If we ignore this person's bad eating habits, they may be okay and might lost weight

If we ignore this person's stroke, they'll be fine

... Get it? The logical fault of not talking about race and it will go away falls into the same realm as these. These trains of logic create blatant absurdity! When something as long standing as racism is slated to go away, it's scary because it denotes that we are failing to do what even the most vehement addict does when they enter a Twelve Step Program. We are failing to admit and acknowledge that we as a country have a serious social problem bred from bigotry and intolerance. 

To those who are non-minority, I ask that you be non-dismissive and listen (actively using your brain, not merely hearing) what people who are minorities are saying. It's troubling that we live in a world where people can be dismissive because things like being gunned down based on sheer suspicion or being removed from your home (a clear constitutional violation) aren't happening within their ethnic group systemically. 

White privilege is real, and until people come to terms with and check it, then we are going to continue to have people reject other persons' realities and substitute their own. I frequently ask in my head "Why won't others see the world a different way?" And this question has prompted this post. If you are reading this... just actively listen and things may actually start making sense as to why Black people are fed up, saddened, angry, and disenchanted with what is going on now in the United States.  

Poetry: Skyscrapers in the Sand

Skyscrapers in the Sand

Poetry 

What is the towering structure seen on the horizon

For what was once a mirage - is real

Upon further glance we have stumbled upon the prior impossible

A behemoth that looms, clad in glass in steel

We built skyscrapers - modern castles in the sand

Seeking to reach the heavens

Defying earthly gravity - we've made it stand

It was reared against an eastern sky

Placed high above on a dune 

Built with breakneck - God-speeded haste

It leads us to wonder, what is it secured to?

Our answer arrives on a harsh wind

Familiar and common on a day with no clouds in the sky

For we start to see it do something unexpected

Swaying noticeably - we gaze in awe

We do not heed the warning, impervious we think the edifice to be

Standing in the blindness caused by sandstorms

We have not seen anything like it fail

There is nothing that inclines us to have that be

But then we feel the tectonics move a slight

We thought it would never come to light

For it rattles and shakes - nearing completion

The skyscraper falters and sways violently

With no damper or rescue apparatus inside

The builder made a fatal mistake when he built his masterpiece

He did laid his foundations in the sand - not bedrock!

Instability resulting - he signed this ticket

The ticket of disgrace

For the failure coming in
For which he sighed...

Modern science - like old wives tales say

Never build your towers high above, not knowing what lies below

Because with the fell-swoop of God's hand all of it can come tumbling down

Do not get too cocky, realize that uncertainty is abound

But do your duty,

Build securely,

Skyscrapers in the sand seem to be a dangerous

Phenomena anew

Secure yourself, be smart in your investments

Have insurance for everything you do

- 

2016

Reflections: The First Year of Law School Pt. 2

The First Year: Pt. 2

When the Going Got Rough

The second half of the academic year was no easier than the first. I ended my prior semester with OK grades... But I was not in the top 30%. Which proved to be disastrous on my psyche. Despite all of my friends and family around me telling me I was going to be "ok..." , I ceased to believe it anymore.

The confidence that I had in my intellect had waned to a point so low, that I contemplated minimizing my debts and leaving school. However I did not. What did occur was the dollars and sense coming into perspective. As the second semester dragged on with trying to get a mastery of the material and still trying to get a hand on IRAC and CREAC, the money question became large.

Looking at the total amount I was going to owe when this ordeal was all said and done shocked me. Even for mentors and others who have attended law school have looked at the amount that I am going to owe (above 190k) and nearly choked on their drinks. While some have said that "it's just law school", others have said incurring that kind of debt entering into a field where gainful employment is uncertain is not wise. I've been recommended to transfer several times and even now as I sit writing this, I still fiddle around with the idea (as time seems to tick by). 

The day two and two made 4 was when all anxiety hit like a freight train. The equation that I was given for law school is.

(Grades x Curve) = Rank

Rank + (Honors x Activities) + Prior Experience = Job Placement

But more realistically, as a first year - Grades took up 80% of the equation. Since I knew that I wasn't top 1/3, I contemplated whether or not I should drop out to spare myself the tripling of my debt with grades that get me a job to pay off the debt in question. That's when I knew that the faith I had walked into law school with had evaporated.

So by the end of the year, I was operating on mere anxiety and brute force. A day of work and studying would drag on from 7 in the morning all the way until 2 at night... And repeat over and over again. Friends that I had when I moved to Atlanta said that school had consumed my existence. They were correct in assuming that because for weeks at a time 14 to 18 hour days were a norm. Eyes were twitching, feelings were hurt, and mental health was something that was neglected all for the sake of achieving excellence. 

While this was all going on, I got my internship with the EEOC in Atlanta and also won scholarship money from the Black Law Students Association and grant money from the Public Interest Committee at my school. But I was going beyond where the where the wheels fell off... I was falling apart piece by piece for the sake of merely trying to "save" the dream that was quickly turning into a nightmare. 

When the last final ended, I breathed... and after I went to inhale again, I was doing Write-On. For me, it was my last ditch effort to also save the "glory" of my legal skills as they were now. My oral skills didn't pass muster for mock trial, then my writing undermined my attempt at appellate advocacy with moot court. By that point I did not want to do Write-On feeling dejected. My thought was "Why bother when I have already been told that my reasoning skills are not where they need to be at?" 

At that point I bit the bullet, and completed Write-on whilst working a program ran by the school. I then started my full time internship with the EEOC. 

Essentially, I left 1L year badly beaten. Most of the damage was caused by my own unrealistic expectations of law school combined with my limited skills. Today I got my grades back and I did only a small margin better than the semester before. The long days and endless nights did not work. My faith in God being as small as a mustard seed at the moment is the only thing that is keeping me on this path. I didn't get bought here to be completely bankrupted and left without a job or a purpose. 

My grades may not be top 30%. To vast majority of people who follow TLS or Above the Law, they would probably think that my decision to stay at Emory or even in law school in general is financially irresponsible and a waste of over 190k in loans. However in the same way how people said that I "should invest in a masters" because my LSAT score was deemed too low, I want to give credit to God and the perseverance he instilled in my body to keep going despite the failures. The battle may have been lost, but the war has to be won in some way. 

For those of you trying to enter law school next year, prepare yourself to be taken on a ride. But the ride is what you make it. Have faith. Hold strong and fast. And remember: when the going gets tough, if He's for me, then who'd be against me.

Reflections: The First Year of Law School Pt. 1

The First Year: Pt. 1

Law School Realities in Its Infancy

If you would have spoken to me two years ago, the idea of law school was one that was definite only by will and not by anything concrete. I remember that I was just preparing for finals and getting the books that would help me prepare for the LSAT. I had also taken my first practice test for the LSAT and had gotten a score so discouraging low that later someone suggested that I "not waste my money, and get a Master's degree." 

Since then, I have kept that comment echoing in my ear and by beating great odds, fighting tears, and losses along the way I have not only made into the law school, but I made it through the long spoken about first year. While some people speak about merely the horrors about the first year, I've taken it upon my self to talk about my experience holistically and some of the concerns I had along the way. Hopefully this serves to inspire and educate others that will come after me and also give some guidance about things that people should ( and should not) do. 

I moved to ATL on July 31st 2015, and one of my dear friends from Howard, my sister, my mom and her husband helped me move into my apartment. After a 14 and a half hour drive from PA to GA, I made it there with everything in one piece. Additionally, some of the furniture that I had ordered arrived around the same time I got into the area which made the transition relatively smooth. Move in went off without any major hitches. My mom, her husband, and my sister left and flew back to Philadelphia. My friend stayed for a couple extra days and we had our fun in the city. Immediately after she left, I had my first challenge in my apartment - a break-in. It seemed like freakish luck that two days that I moved in, my door would get kicked down while I was up the street at a friend's apartment. I returned to police and a door frame snapped in half. Luckily nothing was taken from the apartment, but that first night I remember I slept with my door locked and barricaded and several steak knives in the drawer. Eventually, the door was fixed and life moved on.

School started in short order with an orientation that was interesting to say the least. Some of the students that I met during the preview weekend a few months ago where there at my right hand giving commentary to take the edge off the hours of guest speakers who were speaking about their experiences and what is expected as we walk into our legal careers. We were sworn in and as soon as that was done... the part of law school that every student dreads hit every normal first year law student like a ton of bricks. I remember the first days of reading assignments took about two and half hours to three hours to read each. I managed to burn about 2 highlighters in the first week of class alone. It was daunting and anxiety producing and there were nights that staying up until 2am was a reality. One of the first things that someone said was "It's the first week and we are already on a finals schedule." I saw no lie with the statement. 

Less than two weeks in and I got my first "cold call", another thing that someone dreads. It isn't like how they have it on How to Get Away With Murder, It may be worse. It may be something short like a two word answer or the professor may stick with you for almost 30 minutes grilling you on the facts, issue, the holding of the case, the reasoning of the case, the policy behind the reasoning, and even so much as your own opinions or the historical reasons about why the case was ruled a certain way. My first time wasn't that bad, but considering that I read that night for a total of 8 hours after classes were over in anticipation it was my hope that doing 'okay' was the worst I could do. The first few weeks, 90% of the 1L class was in a general state of "What the hell is going on?!" The first few weeks translated to a month and by that point some of the mystique of law school began to fade. However so much as the mystique was fading, the realities of school began to tug at me a bit. 

By the end of the semester, my confidence in school had waned pretty far from where it was when I had started. For several reasons: 

• I felt like after reading a couple hundred cases and several thousand pages of text (between text books and supplements), I felt like my reading comprehension and speed were still not up to par with the rest of my counterparts. This was a huge insecurity that still follows me to some degree. 
• The same writing that was once hailed as top quality work at every other level of education and caught the eye of professors was no longer top quality work and every worse, my work caught the eye of professors but for the wrong reasons. What used to be thoughtful and thorough was now wordy and unwieldy. Even worse, my analytical skills were not being translated to the paper well enough to warrant top marks. 
• When my grades were released from the first semester, my hopes for gainful employment evaporated. While it was well in my second semester that my grades were released, my grades provided the biggest disappointment. I did not do terribly... but I did not land in the top third of the class. My aim was to aim for the top third because most employers take preference for those kind of applicants especially this early on. 
• There were some people that articulated the "Top Third or Die" or "Big Law or Die Mentality" and as a result, I got pulled into that direction. So when grades dropped, I felt the largest sinking feeling I had in a while.

Some physical changes also occurred during my first semester too which weren't too great. 

• My hair started to fall out... and quickly. I usually tried to joke about it. So it would end up being the usual "State of the Edges" speech to my friends. Usually the status was. "They booked a flight to Timbuktu... It may be one way this time." The fall out was caused by stress.

• I gained 20 lbs. If you're used to being from a place where you walk (the North), welcome to a place where walking takes 45 minutes to go 2 miles but driving takes 3 minutes (the South). Plus, when you eat and sit for 10 to 15 hours a day at a time, the food has to go somewhere... it turns into fat. Some people were fortunate to actually lose weight during the course of law school though because of stress. I wasn't fortunate though. 

• I developed back problems. The books that you carry for school are so dense and heavy that if you have them in your luggage, TSA will pull the bag and investigate further. (They show up as a solid mass...) Not to mention each tome is about 500-1200 pages long and as a result they can weight anywhere from 4 to 7 lbs. Add on a laptop and multiple the number of books by 3 or 4 and you have recipe for scoliosis or uneven hips. Even now I am trying to rectify this. Sitting all the time also exacerbates the problem.

• My eyes twitch. Either from anxiety or from the fact that I stare at a screen trying to focus all day on what I am reading or focusing on. If I am not staring at a screen, I am usually transfixed on a book for hours at a time. Even though my vision has not started to deteriorate, I am going to probably need glasses to reduce the strain on my eyes. 

Now what I did learn after my first semester is:

• Writing in the legal field is formulaic. The more boring and patterned it is, the better for the reader. If the person can determine what they are looking for next, you'll get higher marks because at that point you've done the job.

• Fancy wording does not help you. The more eloquently you try to phrase things, the more you dig a grave to place yourself in it. More likely than not, your professor is going to either cut you down to size in a cold call, on a review of your written work, or on your final exam. Just be direct. 

• Everyone is not on even footing. The reality is there are some people who are geniuses and can read a case in 20 minutes and identify the holdings, the rationales for each one, figure out the reason why the judge ruled the way the did was because they wanted to go home early and what not. Other people are bred into this, coming from a long line of lawyers. Some have had prior careers as paralegals and already possess the skill sets to make easy work any class assignments. 

• You're your best gauge. I used to hate hearing this, but there is truth to it. You know yourself the best so you know when to take a break from reading, when to get focused, or when to seek help. I used to try to compare myself to everyone else, but you can't because not everyone is not on the equal footing. 

• You need to have an affirmation. My affirmation that I use is in Latin: "Excellentia et Prosperitatem a Deo", which means Excellence and Prosperity by God. I used to write this in the margin of my notes and I also have them printed on my old outlines to remind myself that I am in this mission for a reason. 

• Good support systems. My friends here at the law school and the Black Law Student's Association have been my backbone and have been there when I have struggled and been through some of my darkest hours. I can say that I would have not made it to the end with my friends and my organizations that I am involved in. 

• You need Faith (capitalized for a reason). Belief in something greater is important. There are many times I felt like I didn't have the strength to carry on. But God pulled me through and allowed me to grow and be better. Since then I was able to have a better handle on seemingly impossible situations when the second semester came. 

• Do your best. It sounds cliche, but people aiming for perfection end up depressed, they self medicate, and they don't perform optimally when the true test comes. I'd rather learn all I need to know and be learning as I go than be perfect from the start. If we were perfect, no one would need to acquire 200k worth of debt to attend law school (or even educational program for that matter.)

And while this is a long post. This is it for Pt. 1. 

Pt. 2 will address the Spring semester.