Truths as the Grand Finale Approaches

Truths as the Grand Finale Approaches

Today, I registered for my final semester of law school classes. It was a moment of bittersweetness. However, in that bittersweetness, the sweetness outweighed the bitter. I realized that I was ending a journey that has managed to change me to my core. The end of the destructive force I had to face was coming to an end. 

As you read this, this is a moment where I am going to be transparent. I do not seek pity. I do not want to enter the oppression Olympics. However, I do want to share my state of mind and reach others that feel like they are in a similar place. It may appear like I am "bitching" or "complaining" - however, I am not. What I am doing is providing a testimony and a warning for others out there to avoid being in my situation. It may not be the prettiest story, but it is mine. 

Recognizing the Truth

When I moved to Atlanta and started to attend Emory in the fall of 2015, I was fresh out of undergrad. In my freshness, I felt like I could take on the world. Vexingly, over the course of the last two and a half years, I have become a shell of what was. The only quality I maintain is my ability to be raw and honest about my problems and opinions. As the grand finale approaches, I realize that the realities of the world edge closer. In those realities edging closer, I realize that I am ill-prepared.

Law school was sold to me as a game of discipline. If you discipline yourself, if you work hard, if you take the Adderall - you'll excel. After 5 semesters of trying my hardest, putting in 200%, and losing it all in the process - I realized that the idea of this being a game of mere discipline was a beautiful lie. Law school is not a place where a discipline-only approach wins the day. In addition to discipline, it is about politics, your willingness to bear your soul with reckless abandon, and luck. As hard of a pill as it is to swallow, I've forged onwards in this journey with the wrong approach only to find myself worse off than how I started. Worse yet, in my 3L year, I still do not know how to master the game to secure a successful ending.

While I started with merely a bachelors of arts and limited job experience, my outlook on life and confidence were at an all-time high. I was optimistic that my life was going to amount to something greater than a piece of paper – that I could meet mostly all challenges as Christ was my guide. But with the wearing winds of the legal institution, I have been left skeletal. 

The Change in Morale

Most of my friends who are in law school with me have probably noticed the slide in my confidence and demeanor over the last year and some change. The reason is that I am realizing how much I lost. I lost financial security in the sense that I've acquired a mountain of debt in a high-risk job market. I have lost my mental health because I have become chronically ridden with anxiety. I have lost my physical health because I have become corpulent, hypertensive, and subject to constant gastro-intestinal upset. I am unable to sleep well. I lost the intellectual confidence that has been the cornerstone of the excellence that propelled me onto this stage. Worst of all, I've lost hope and faith. 

It is a sad state of affairs and as of now, there is nothing left for me to do except to finish this self-imposed mission. Even as I take the final steps in the journey, there is so much uncertainty. On the eve of character and fitness being due, I'm missing vital things to help me make decisions on where I want to practice. Even worse, I am fresh off of losing a six-figure job offer because my skills were deemed subpar. I have yet to rebound, and it is not for lack of trying. 

As of now, I withhold my tears. Why you may ask? I walked the plank with my eyes somewhat wide open. I knew that law school was going to be hard. I knew that getting a job in the legal profession was going to be difficult as well. What came as a shock was how much destruction came from this process. It was even more shocking how even after following "the keys to success" and "taking tried and true advice," I ended up in such dire straits. It also was shocking how certain crude advice (such as dropping out because my grades were too low) actually made sense at many different points. 

Well, What Now? - Some Solutions

Well after looking this, one would probably be wondering "well... what now?" I thought I had an answer for this several times. But alas, like the well of confidence, the well of answers has run dry. I have made many plans in my tender years. However, for some reason, plans regarding law school fail in a spectacular fashion. So, I have decided that I am going to stop planning and setting goals and let things happen. There is no floor to hold things up, and no walls to hold things in regarding what can happen regarding employment or academic prospects. 

Academic Approach

My grades will just "be." They will exist on my transcript as an indicator of how well I survived in a system where I have prior failed many times before. Gone are the days where perfection was attainable, and excellence was a norm. Now I have to accept that my new norm looks different. It's lamentable, but in order to regather myself, there is a good chance that my transcript may have already seen its last A. 

Personal Approach

At this point, I have to refocus on regaining everything I lost. 

I'm not talking about vanity either. I am talking about a basic sense of self that has been stripped from the moment I sat down and forced archaic jurisprudence down my throat. I have to regain that sense of personality that was beaten out of me when I was told that my prose had no place in a piece of legal writing and that my florid use of language was indicative of "legal illiteracy." In regaining things lost, it means performing some profound self-reflection and work.

It means going through the rough journey rebuilding confidence from the basement level. Never in my year of education was I told that I was inarticulate or that my analysis was incorrect on such a consistent basis. It was also rare that my work was deemed deficient. It also means rebuilding confidence to speak. Since my early childhood, many have stated that I was gifted with a natural public speaking ability. Law school has made me feel like I am the village idiot in cold-calls and during class discussions because of the ogling and stares I receive while sharing my extraction of the case. 

It means that I now must re-establish my identity as a person. The law school environment breeds a spirit of conventionalism that sterilizes almost every aspect of a person. Away from the casebooks, the business cards, the charcoal grey suits, and a persona centered around finely crafted business introductions, I should be able to answer simple questions about myself. As it stands now I can't. In re-establishing my identity I can discover my interests and answer honestly and unapologetically about them. 

It means regaining myself as a commodity. I need to learn how to make myself a primary investment both time and resource wise. I should not be giving out whatever bits of talents I have left to those that do not appreciate them or will denigrate them at any opportunity. It also means saying "No."  with a readiness unimagined by the modern person who is desperate for a job. I have learned that in saying "Yes," I have not ended up in any better a position that has said "No." As a matter of fact, it's been the opposite. People that availed themselves of the word "No." have had an easier time with finding their happiness, finding employment, retaining their confidence, and being focused on the game that is law school and the entry to legal practice.

Conclusion

In the end, I write this to all of those out there who are starting the journey in law school or legal practice. I have failed immensely and am finally aware of it in the 11th hour. The only thing I can do is hope that I land on my feet and in one cognizable piece. For 1st year, 2nd year, or pre-law students you have time on your side to craft your own happy ending. You also have time to escape the traps that the institution will have you fall into. Drinking at every bar review is not going to solve your core problems. Concerta or Adderall will not save you from this feeling.

I say these things in short:

Remain truthful.

Do not let your confidence slip into nothingness.

Do not lose yourself or your soul in the process.

You are your most important commodity - so respect yourself as such. 

Say no when necessary. 

Remember that the calculus is not as simple as it seems.

(c) ifw

2017