Cry at Your Discretion: Preceived Inexcusability of Fragility

" Well I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon shed no tears
No, I'm not gon cry,
it's not the time
cuz you're not worth my tears"
- Not Gon' Cry by Mary J Blige (1995)

Cry at Your Discretion

Perceived Inexcusability of Fragility

We live in a world that prides itself on lack of showing emotions and operating regardless of human traits and difficulties. Because we operate on that scheme, the notions about emotional control has slid towards an extreme. That scheme has taken pride on emotional desensitization, emotional insensitivity, and emotional absenteeism. Within some groups, the ideas about demonstrating emotions have been skewed by gender norms. Overall, it is more apparent than ever that the reality of emotional health followed by the perception of emotions are diametrically opposed to one another.

Using myself as an example, the recent police shootings, xenophobic, homophobic, and racist rhetoric has taken a toll on my emotional well being. While some would say it doesn't affect it me, it does indirectly in a way that makes me conscious of my identity as a black gay male living in the South (even though Atlanta is a different animal, you get reminded that this is the South quite often). As a result I'm emotionally worn out. Add in the fact that I am in an academically stressful environment and there are other things at work, and it is a surprise that I have not completely broken from the total of everything that is going on. 

However many people don't look at it this way. In fact, a good portion people reading this would expect me to "man up,""deal with it,"or " not be in my feelings." It's because of the expectation that a man should just endure and more deal with his emotions. His job is to produce and provide almost nearly irrespective of what is going on around him. In the Black community, this sentiment is quite rigorous and takes on a "by any means necessary" type of course. This is even more true because of my LGBT identity where I have to prove myself in a way that makes me more masculine. To prove a presumption of manhood, I have to deprive myself of emotional frolics that would make me look to effeminate...

All in all, it's non-sense.

At this point, it's been well documented that emotional suppression leads to a host of issues. It's well documented and men particularly use it more than women, while women are starting to do it with increasing instance. However as people use expressive or emotional suppression more, they lose out on interpersonal relationships and sound mental health. While they look like a stone wall to the outside world, in reality they suffer from the instability of sand internally and constantly have to fight something that substantively makes them human. 

Personally, the last few weeks have been one where there has been a lot of emotional suppression at play. Some days, there is a bit of numbness (which is not good) to certain things. The reason is merely out of utility, but other days it is merely for the sake of not appearing frail. If you can, express your joy and displeasure in a way that is healthy. As you bottle it up, you feel the build up. You can't breathe, eat, or sleep normally and that (at a baseline) is a set up to for health issues that are avoidable by proper management techniques. If you are dealing with trauma from the world surrounding, express your emotions by talking about them with friends or family in a way that is open honest and candid. Make sure that the person is able to listen and not merely hear you so they can engage and figure it out. 

Ultimately, it is okay to not be ok.

It is okay to be fragile. 

And it is okay because even the most efficient machines break from time to time. 

Running Ragged: The Fall of An Overachiever

"We pride ourselves on being Superman, not knowing that even Superman is not totally infallible."

Running Ragged 

The Fall of an Overachiever 

Looking at my circumstances, I serve as an example of how not to enter and walk through this experience. I can only offer these bits of advice:

• Remain confident even when things are not going well
• Place yourself around people who are going to challenge you to do better
• Remain positive
• Rest yourself appropriately when your body and mind gives you signs that you need to.
• Work efficiently at the onset to avoid working harder later on
• Be a go-getter and reach out to anyone who you feel can offer you advice and elevate you
• Do not listen to naysayers. 
• Be honesty with yourself but not overly hard on yourself.
• Trust in God (or you Creator) with all of your heart
• Understand your limits, but don't them completely handicap you. 

If I had listened to my own advice, then I would not feel like how I presently do. 

The second year of law school has started for me. By now, one would think that some of the initial insecurities about being in law school should have dissipated. However, rather than the insecurities about law school dissipating and my understanding of how the process works increasing, it seems to be that I am in a similar position to how I was when I started. The main differences: my confidence has slipped, the workload has increased, and I have diverging internal and external opinions coming to into play as I walk through this process that produce woe. What used to be a bright-eyed student who was an overachiever with lofty hopes an aspirations has devolved to someone who is unsure about everything. What used to be a confident and intelligent person has become doubtful and confused. 

This piece is being written to tell those who are confident to remain so. Once your confidence and peace of mind goes, the world turns into a sad place. When I entered law school and began my studies, I was gladly learning the information, doing the reading, outlining and doing everything possible to ensure success. After the first semester failed to pan out well, I ticked up the intensity to a point where several felt like I was going too far. However generally, I was still in pretty good spirits. When my grades rolled out from the second semester that's when things began to slide. 

Now, I am in my second year. I'm applying for jobs by doing a myriad of things such as online applications, networking, mailings, and the like. Amidst these things, I have been told essentially that because of my grades my job prospects remain so slim that it warrants concern. So much so that a few people have recommended I drop out and come back to school. My debts (which is a reality of law school) are mounting and academically my performance is still poor. Not only that, but with an increasing workload, I am still struggling to make the ends meet. The frustration: This is first time in my life where I need to improve and want to improve my performance, and despite best efforts it's not happening. Even when people are saying that my grades aren't that bad, I am still experiencing difficulties in spite of how hard I am working. There is simply no answer for it, so the cycle of stress and feverish pace of work just continues. 

Me putting in 15-18 hour days has now taken a toll on my sanity and health. To some degree, there are moments when I question if I can make it to the end and be solidly positioned. If you can do well earlier on and learn the method to the madness, then you won't be trying to fix it later. What is past, is past... what matters now is trying to save the future In line with this pragmatic (and arguably pessimistic) view, I also now believe what the lines of a famous John Legend song says "The future started yesterday, and we're already late." 

The hope is that things can turn around. That my life can improve and that rather than being stuck, I can fulfill a dream in the way that was intended to be fulfilled 20 years ago when I first said I wanted to be a lawyer. All these years I have pushed for excellence in performance, intelligence, and academia. However in pushing for that excellence, I've forgotten the human element which create Cinderella stories. The other day when I spoke with another law student of mine she told me that I need to have God re-enter my life. She was right. I felt like as I strayed away, things grew more stagnant in pursuit of my dreams. In light of that I'm in the process of building a new plan that moves away from my tradition means of overachievement. Rather than focusing on sheer or near-perfection, I am going to focus on excellence. Rather than focusing on completing it all at once, I'm going to focus on the smaller goals that make up the whole. 

I've ran myself ragged and I have fallen from the grace I once held. Instead of aiming for the future based on past operation, I need to aim for the future with new ways of thinking and confidence that needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.