Running Ragged: The Fall of An Overachiever

"We pride ourselves on being Superman, not knowing that even Superman is not totally infallible."

Running Ragged 

The Fall of an Overachiever 

Looking at my circumstances, I serve as an example of how not to enter and walk through this experience. I can only offer these bits of advice:

• Remain confident even when things are not going well
• Place yourself around people who are going to challenge you to do better
• Remain positive
• Rest yourself appropriately when your body and mind gives you signs that you need to.
• Work efficiently at the onset to avoid working harder later on
• Be a go-getter and reach out to anyone who you feel can offer you advice and elevate you
• Do not listen to naysayers. 
• Be honesty with yourself but not overly hard on yourself.
• Trust in God (or you Creator) with all of your heart
• Understand your limits, but don't them completely handicap you. 

If I had listened to my own advice, then I would not feel like how I presently do. 

The second year of law school has started for me. By now, one would think that some of the initial insecurities about being in law school should have dissipated. However, rather than the insecurities about law school dissipating and my understanding of how the process works increasing, it seems to be that I am in a similar position to how I was when I started. The main differences: my confidence has slipped, the workload has increased, and I have diverging internal and external opinions coming to into play as I walk through this process that produce woe. What used to be a bright-eyed student who was an overachiever with lofty hopes an aspirations has devolved to someone who is unsure about everything. What used to be a confident and intelligent person has become doubtful and confused. 

This piece is being written to tell those who are confident to remain so. Once your confidence and peace of mind goes, the world turns into a sad place. When I entered law school and began my studies, I was gladly learning the information, doing the reading, outlining and doing everything possible to ensure success. After the first semester failed to pan out well, I ticked up the intensity to a point where several felt like I was going too far. However generally, I was still in pretty good spirits. When my grades rolled out from the second semester that's when things began to slide. 

Now, I am in my second year. I'm applying for jobs by doing a myriad of things such as online applications, networking, mailings, and the like. Amidst these things, I have been told essentially that because of my grades my job prospects remain so slim that it warrants concern. So much so that a few people have recommended I drop out and come back to school. My debts (which is a reality of law school) are mounting and academically my performance is still poor. Not only that, but with an increasing workload, I am still struggling to make the ends meet. The frustration: This is first time in my life where I need to improve and want to improve my performance, and despite best efforts it's not happening. Even when people are saying that my grades aren't that bad, I am still experiencing difficulties in spite of how hard I am working. There is simply no answer for it, so the cycle of stress and feverish pace of work just continues. 

Me putting in 15-18 hour days has now taken a toll on my sanity and health. To some degree, there are moments when I question if I can make it to the end and be solidly positioned. If you can do well earlier on and learn the method to the madness, then you won't be trying to fix it later. What is past, is past... what matters now is trying to save the future In line with this pragmatic (and arguably pessimistic) view, I also now believe what the lines of a famous John Legend song says "The future started yesterday, and we're already late." 

The hope is that things can turn around. That my life can improve and that rather than being stuck, I can fulfill a dream in the way that was intended to be fulfilled 20 years ago when I first said I wanted to be a lawyer. All these years I have pushed for excellence in performance, intelligence, and academia. However in pushing for that excellence, I've forgotten the human element which create Cinderella stories. The other day when I spoke with another law student of mine she told me that I need to have God re-enter my life. She was right. I felt like as I strayed away, things grew more stagnant in pursuit of my dreams. In light of that I'm in the process of building a new plan that moves away from my tradition means of overachievement. Rather than focusing on sheer or near-perfection, I am going to focus on excellence. Rather than focusing on completing it all at once, I'm going to focus on the smaller goals that make up the whole. 

I've ran myself ragged and I have fallen from the grace I once held. Instead of aiming for the future based on past operation, I need to aim for the future with new ways of thinking and confidence that needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.