CONFIDENCE INTERRUPTED
A Testimonial
Since I've began law school in August 2015, it has been an a wild roller coaster to say the least and very turbulent. My personal life has been relatively uneventful. Aside from small blurbs from home that make me raise an eyebrow, most of the turbulence has come from within. I'm not saying that I am depressed (I'm definitely not that). However, I have taken notice that in many ways my confidence had waned while being in law school.
Being in the top percentage of people within the academic hierarchy of the country is no easy feat, but at the same time it demands a lot in order for you to stay there. Even being an African American in law school as a first generation college graduate presents an interesting dilemma itself. From being told (and groomed) to be an attorney from a young age, and then internalizing it as your way to "make it out" it has a way to affect your psyche. Due to that internalization, the idea of perfection and excellence eclipse anything that seems mediocre or not up to standard. More strikingly, these same ideas caused me to excel but at a price.
When I reached the undergraduate level and made my way through successfully, It dawned on me that my insecurities about my intellectual abilities were unfounded. I was able to write well (sometimes to the chagrin to some of my professors). I was able to provide high quality work that was often used as an exemplar for others. Even when the bar was not set high, I made it my business to work hard and go beyond the call of what was requested. That work ethic and ingenuity allowed me to be rewarded handsomely and I graduated towards the top of my class.
(source: U.S. News)
But when I came to law school, it became quickly apparent that anything that came before was invalidated. It no longer applied. The same writing abilities that I received acclaim for, became my Achilles heel. The logical reasoning skills required to understand cases and their doctrines was alien leaving me to feel inept. Even reading, would extend in sessions upwards of 7-8 hours at a time. Even writing, which was my one true love became the bane of my existence because it became evident that I ended up deficient.
My first semester I did not do spectacularly well. I looked at my grades and within a moment I said to myself that "I didn't go hard enough." , "I was being mediocre and that it produced mediocre results" and "If I really want this, I have to sacrifice more sleep and energy (and impliedly mental health) to get results." I went from a place of enchantment to a place where reality hit me like an anvil: I was here and I was getting my ass kicked.
(source: mylawschooldreams.wordpress.com)
They say that second semester would be more rewarding because you can see the progress from your first semester. However, instead of looking at the blessings, I saw the things that didn't improve. Admittedly, my reading times are still high, When I do read everything, I struggle to understand the readings of the logic. I've become so insecure with my writing that rather than correct things, I'd rather axe it and start from scratch. Even worse, I am struggling to find employment because of my performance the first semester.
I can say that frustration is the feeling that has developed over the course of the last few months. There is frustration because the "light bulb" has not gone off yet. There is frustration because despite my best efforts, my abilities are not improving as much as I would like them to. Worst of all, there is frustration because as much as I've sacrificed already, there has been no "come up". But within the last few weeks something changed...
(Source: Lawschoolninjabooks.com)
My frustrations suddenly began to present itself in a way that it never has, It prompted me to start re-investing in my creative platforms, working out, and even focusing on trying to improve myself. It became apparent that I was attacking the problems that manifested from law school incorrectly. I was focusing on improving performance rather than improving the person performing. When it dawned on me, it sparked a new fire within keep going. This environment that we exist in is artificial. One where insecurities are played on and made to fester to empower others. I've arrived in a place where the feelings of despair and abject mental neglect are common but go unchecked. Why? Because "it's part of the process."
Looking forward, I'm emphasizing my mental and physical health. I've seen what happens when I let either slip and I don't want to have that happen again. I still get a bit upset about when I'm not focused as I should be or when the readings don't make sense the 2nd time i look at them, but I am trying. I am working. I'm working on not trying compare myself with others, primarily because the system and the curve is already doing that for me. Even though it is the 8th week of classes in the second semester and hard finals prep for me starts next week (I need the extra time), it's high time to get rid of the defeatism and let my confidence come back to it's former glory.
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