Away from my spirit, I drag myself to my bed
I bathe the shell on slow motion, wiping the sleep from my eyes
As I wonder... I exist, but have I died?
-Unknown
The Choice: Existing or Living
"I choose to Live"
Semantically, it sounds pretty funny asking this question. To the average person if you ask them if they are living, then the answer would be a resounding "Yes." However, then you ask them a follow up: "Are you existing or living" and they will probably answer "Well, Both... Duh." Now this is where things get interesting.
Dictionary-wise the word "exist" in some contexts could mean "to have life" or "the state of being present". Interestingly, contrasted to the word "living" which means "effective in operation" or "exhibiting the life or motion of nature." What placing the dictionary definition shows that there is quite a different between the two and one has to be a pre-requisite of the other.
In the last few months, I have been asking myself this philosophical question about "am I living or merely existing?" It's a new question I have been grappling with in light of me being in law school. Currently, I can take a look at the condition of my life and say that I am in a a state of flux. In one regard I am "living", acting on my own will, wants, dreams, aspirations, and forging connections with the outside independent of a utilitarian purpose. However in some ways I merely "exist." To "exist" in context I am referring to is to "be in the world for the utilitarian purpose of someone else." While it is understandable that we are not entirely autonomous and the natural world is curtailed by society, we have to ask ourselves two things. First, "Am I existing for the convenience, enjoyment, and pleasure of someone else?" Second, "Is that something that I want?"
One of the central reasons why people in this generation are so unhappy is because we exist at one extreme or another. A majority of millennials exist for the enjoyment for someone else, whether it be to live out the dreams of your parents, to amass wealth to impress someone, to take a "poppin' cèlfie" or even something smaller like waiting on a friend that doesn't show up. There is also a small percentage of us that live to an end that isn't entirely healthy, such as those who have copious amounts of sex with nameless partners, take drugs because it's "a new experience", or spend money like it's going out of style because they need to be stylish.
Stop existing for others... it will be the death of you. In the words of Benjamin Franklin "some die at 25, but aren't buried until they are 75." When you live for the sake of others, you're effectively dead and have become a zombie to obligations that are not necessary to your happiness and survival. From personal experience, I've felt my happiness begin to leave when I feel pressured by others to do things or bend me towards their will. When I was younger, it was harder for me to say "No, I'm not doing that." Now that I'm older the word "No" has become liberating.
Even though I am not going to detail how I am seeking to "live" in the new year as opposed to exist, I can say that it is trying to understand life in my own way while making my own decisions independent of the will and wants of others. I'm liberating myself, and to truly allow that it will mean some let downs for others. However, in letting some down, it will teach others to not be so dependent on me. My "living" will cause people to know that I am a human being and that rather than being a robot made to complete tasks, I come fully loaded with needs, drives, and feelings that need to be fulfilled in their own way.
It is my sincerest want for others to know that the difference can determine the quality of life. That quality of life could mean a great deal of stress relief, more self-efficacy, and more positive affirmations of self that seem to be elusive in a world where we need gratification based on someone else.
I'm choosing to "live." Many might not understand the results and the ramifications may not make sense to myself or others around me. But, God willing, happiness and enlightenment will come my way and change my old ways to new ones allowing me to become the full unabridged me that I've been seeking all along.
- EMH
