- Latin for "It speaks for itself"
Say It With Your Chest
Why grown-men can't state their claim.
To start, I want to apologize if it seems like I'm injecting legal terms into my writing. Law school seems to dominate everything that I do now! When you live it and breathe it every second you begin to learn very quickly that the way you used to think and the way you speak and write changes. But since this isn't a piece of legal writing (which I am thankful for), I'm going to be frank as I can.
NOW, onto the meat of the conversation: Why can't men seem to say what is on their minds when it comes to what they want out of a romantic communication with someone (notice I didn't say relationship, that special "r" word is reserved for another blog post).
Being someone who (takes a deep breath) talks to other men, it is a tad annoying to deal with men who want to assert their dominance in so many other ways, but can't say affirmatively what they want. It drives me crazy! And perhaps it's a human thing, but I highly doubt that it's hard to say what you want.
I'm going to give three ways guys tend to slid around answering this tough question and four fixes for the guys out here who can't seem to say what's on their mind.
Now the three ways that guys slide around this answer are as follows. Ladies and Gents, pay attention closely:
- Shifting the subject
- Acting on their thoughts without saying anything
- Act as though you're pushy
1. Shifting the Subject
How many times have you every been in a conversation that has gone left and you shift the subject to something else. Many men (not a mention a good share of women too) have the tendency to do this especially when it's time to do the heavy lifting of "sharing your thoughts." I never quite understand why it's so taxing on the mental process to say what's on your mind, but shifting the subject is no way to help address the issue.
From experience, I was speaking to a guy one time and I asked him how he felt about me generally. No mention of romantics or in a context of dating even involved, he changed the subject. Three weeks after talking, we realized that it was going nowhere and I ended it. Why? Because, I discovered that I couldn't offer him what he wanted (which was aesthetics, or rather the lack of an athletic physique). When I finally figured it out I was a bit bewildered. It wasn't the reason why that irritated me, it was more on the fact that I had to wait three weeks for an answer that could have been said in 5 minutes.
2. Acting on their thoughts without saying anything
This is what I call "assumption of an ESP." Or even better, you believe that I am psychic. The problem with this is that a majority of people don't have ESP or they're not psychic. So, when men act without saying anything it causes the frequent case of "he stopped hitting me up" or "I've been stood up." Similar to wasted time, it's annoying. It also makes you look like an ass when you don't say anything. Now men have a bad habit of believing they don't have to explain themselves and that by doing so they sell their manhood away (I'll address this in the solution section.)
3. Acting as though you're pushy
He's trying to say that you're putting words in his mouth or you're being pushy. Well... you have to be. If you're pushy, that's the only way to get an answer whether it be a simple yes or no. A good share of the time, it isn't necessary to have to go though all of that, and plenty of arguments could simply be avoided by just saying what is on your mind rather than having me sit here looking at a tore up face or a "stank" attitude.
Now some of the solutions:
- Saying it Directly
- Being Honest with Yourself
- Saying it Honestly
- Regulating your communication
1. Saying it Directly
Whatever it is, just say what is on your mind and say it directly. They say too much sugar is bad for you because it causes diabetes. Well same is true here. Instead of switching the topic, just say what your thought is about the question. For instance, if someone were to ask me if I am seeking a relationship there two ways I approach this. Shift the topic ( Well, relationship... Well you know, What do you think about it?...) or Be direct ( I am looking to date right now, but a relationship isn't entirely ideal).
See how easy that is, you've literally managed to give the person information that they can make a definitive decision based off of. This is just a lesson in simple effective communication!
2. Being Honest with Yourself
Before I get to the third part of this, I want to address this. The first step to addressing a problem is admitting that there is one. So in line what that fellas, you have to be honest with yourself about (gasp!) how you feel about something. I know a good portion of guys out here (myself included) are socialized to not access our emotions in a way makes us emotionally competent in a manner that we should be. However, that isn't a reason to not try. For instance, you if you think I am a great guy but I am not physically attractive or I have a quirk, be honest with yourself first. It sounds strange, but in being honest with your feelings it let you sort out the next part much more quickly.
3. Saying it Honestly
Honesty is your best policy. Why? It saves you from looking like a total douche and deceitful all in the same breath. While I am not saying be hurtful (remember the right amount of sugar, which I will address in the next part), you do have to make sure that you're getting your intended point across. If you want a relationship, then just say it. Or if you want to have sex, but not right now, then say it. It's not rocket science, it's merely you stating your preference on a matter.
4. Regulating your Communication
Now this is short, find a balance between not being too indirect and sugary with being too sharp and unforgiving in providing the truth. Just make sure that you address the person respectfully and give them the ability to also go through the same process you did in making your decision and your follow up statement.
See! How hard was that?
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