Back In The Closet: A Supposed Act of Utility

" The less they know, the better. Because when they know less, the less bias they can create to act against you. When there is less bias against you, then you progress forwards, all the while still making the space yours to control." 

Back in the Closet

A Supposed Act of Utility

Since the start of the millennium and even more specifically in the last 10 years, the LGBT community has made great strides politically and socially in the United States and in many corners of the world. However, while the general community is starting to do better, there has been quite a divergent view developing in the gay community that has reached a head. As gay men and lesbian women have become more visible in politics, business, entertainment, and higher education there has been a rise in people who after they decide to "come out" decide later to "come in". 

This phenomena is not well documented by any real literature or studies, but in personal experience and in life, I have seen people who have been out and living their lives suddenly "come in". Every single person that I have observed who has made this transition back to being discreet or not easy to assume and identify in the streets or a crowd of people has suddenly come upon a new position or a new social standing. In the last few years, some people who have formerly associated with me no longer do so because of the change (which I'm in no way bitter about, c'est la vie).

But then looking back at my own history of progression and making my way throughout the undergrowth of social life as a black man who is a part of the LGBT community, I began to think: Have a made a mistake in not heeding the warnings of others. It started early with the way how I walked, how I spoke (because my voice lacks bass), and even my inability to find interest in stereotypical "guy things" like sports. It permeated through my life throughout high school where I was quite often subject to homophobic slurs and some bullying.

But when I reached undergrad, it was seldom mentioned (probably because what they percieved was obvious). However what was seldom mentioned was the basis in many different things which led to a reputation that followed me until the day I left Washington D.C. While there at my alma mater, I realized that some of the most successful men who had the same capabilities, passions, and goals as I did but who I knew were also a part of the LGBT community, excelled. The common denominator was that 8 out of 10 of them were discreet and if anyone found out they were gay or bisexual, it was a "Wow, really?!" 

The rationale came from someone who I once spoke to at Howard about this and he was in a similar situation as I was. Being friends at one point the conversation was that coming from concern. It went similar to this:

"Yo, I'm concerned about you. 

" Why?"

"Because I know you're smart and you got talent, but you keep getting passed over."

"It could be I'm not going hard enough for what I want, or merely politics... I don't know but I'll just go harder" 

"Going harder isn't going to solve your problem, but if people didn't know about you and you went back in the closet, then your fortunes may turn..." 

Within 6 months after that conversation, they were excelling; doing their thing because they had "come in." I was operating "business as usual."  But now walking along the hallowed halls of law school, and looking at people who are in the legal profession that stand in similar place, many air on the side of conservative. Even more striking is that the advice I was given as being a young black male who is in the LGBT community who seeks to practice law, I need to "reel myself in some" to make myself marketable. The question I pose however is "How much do I reel myself in... or rather how much do I have to alter myself to make this investment worthwhile?"

In the past "reeling it in" has included changes in how I dress, changes in the music I have listened to, changes in friends, and even attempts to change my voice by trying vocal training. They all failed to no avail. Not because I chose for them to fail and not for lack of trying, but just because changing something inherent in a person is like trying to change someone's eye color after they've been on the Earth for long enough. It is either a) expensive reprogramming involved or b) something damaging for either my psyche or my physical condition. 

At the end, I always articulate, I never had the luxury of having a closet to run into. Hell, if anything the most I had was a dresser drawer to put my cleanly folded laundry. Going back in the closet when I've never been in it is like telling someone to read Shakespeare when they haven't even been able to learn how to read yet. It's requiring some prior experience to know how to do the latter thing. 

I see the utility of "coming in"... but it is hard to understand and perhaps after several failed attempts in my own life, to me it something that is not doable. I'd rather focus on being the best version of myself than trying to change myself altogether to fit into a space where I am possibly not welcomed.